Steamed up by the mini-skirt
THE MINI-SKIRT has a unique capacity to stir controversy. There was a time in this country when a man named Gert Yssel insisted it was responsible for causing drought.
In Malawi it was banned outright by President Hastings Banda and there have been rumblings against it in Kenya and Uganda from time to time.
Now a seaside town in Italy plans to also ban the mini outright, using powers against anti-social behaviour delegated by the national government. Castellammare di Stabia will fine girls between 25 and 500 Euros for wearing minis or other revealing clothing.
It seems drastic. The only objection to the mini, surely, is girls wearing it who shouldn't. It's very unforgiving to those who don't quite have the figure.
The mini seems to be coming back into fashion in Durban, judging by the damsels to be seen at rugby these days, who combine the mini with knee-high boots. Most fetching it is.
You won't see them at Castellammare di Stabia. But you will at College Rovers.
Not just the mini
PRESIDENT Banda's puritanism was not directed only at the mini. Women were not allowed to wear trousers of any sort. Men were not allowed to wear shorts. Nor could they wear flared trousers.
Nor could men wear long hair. A barber shop set up near the immigration counter at Blantyre airport did a roaring trade.
The overseas newspapers were censored. Officials would go through every copy before it went on sale and any news photograph or advertisement showing a woman with her skirt above the calf or – horrors! – in a swimsuit was blacked out with a crayon, from her chin down to her toes.
Banda, who had trained as a doctor in Edinburgh, was a man who took his puritanism seriously.
Glasgow games
THE COMMONWEALTH Games in Delhi came and went, with all kinds of hiccups. Now Glasgow – a city with a reputation for toughness – has put in a bid. A copy of the proposed Glasgow schedule of events has come this way.
Opening ceremony: The Commonwealth flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Gorbals area), wearing the traditional tammy. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of a local tenement.
The events: In previous games, Scottish competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly:
· 100 m sprint - Competitors will hold a video recorder and microwave oven, one in each arm, and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind.
· 100m hurdles - As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.).
· Shooting - The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank manager or wages deliveryman.
· Boxing – This will be restricted to husband and wife teams, taking place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of white lightning while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
· Modern pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
· Swimming - Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Clyde. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
· Men's 50km walk - Cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of the Eastside.
· Rhythmic gymnastics - Competitors will be graded on ability to sway drunkenly to Metallica/Tupac/Runrig
· Relay - Four competitors removing an appliance from a house in Condoratt and getting back to George Square, Glasgow, using at least four stolen cars.
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A SCHOOLTEACHER was arrested at King Shaka international airport yesterday as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. A police spokesman said he was believed to be a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement and had been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
Last word
Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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