The Idler, Friday, October 1, 2010

The great stiletto sprint   FOUR Australian sheilas have nabbed the Guinness World Record for the fastest relay race in stiletto heels. They completed an 80m course near the Sydney opera house in one minute and four seconds, wearing 7.5 cm stilettos.   The report does not say whether the sheilas – a group known as the Pinkettes – were wearing anything else beside stiletto heels, but one presumes they otherwise had the normal garb of athletics. Had they not, Guinness would have elaborated.   Stiletto sprinting no doubt signifies a revival of some of the sports that were popular in Victorian times: long-skirt hurdling, whalebone corset bar acrobatics and (for gentlemen) top hat high jump.   It should be introduced to the Commonwealth Games.   Order at last   MEANWHILE, some sort of order at last seems to be establishing itself in the scurry to put in the infrastructure for the Games.   A newspaper has a photograph of ferocious-looking langur apes tethered at the New Delhi games site. They are there, we are told, to drive away other monkeys that might attack athletes or spectators.   Also reassuring is the arrival of the vuvuzela in New Delhi. This will no doubt drive away the cobras that have been invading the living quarters.   Let the Games begin!   Blair's book   I HAVE not yet read Tony Blair's book, A Journey, so am unable to verify this passage sent in, supposedly an excerpt. Does it have a ring of truth?   "I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street. On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. "With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "'Fifty quid!' she would shout from the kerb. "'No way, 50p!' I fired back. "This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days. I'd run by and she'd yell: 'Fifty quid!' And I'd yell back: '50p!' "One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog. "As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the 'pro' would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings. "I realised I'd need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife. "As we jogged into the turn that would take us past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual. "Sure enough, there was the hooker. I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past. "Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled: 'See what you get for 50p!'"   Ring of truth? I'm not too sure. But watch this space.

 
Let's move on

MEANWHILE, Private Eye, the British satirical magazine, has a bit of fun with Blair's book. It had always characterised him as the Rev ARP Blair, Vicar of St Albion's - the ultimate in trendy vicars. Here it has him discussing his relationship with George W Bush.

"Now comes the sticky bit! I know that! And I know that many of you think I made a terrible mistake in supporting the Rev Dubya, leader of the Church of the Latter-Day Morons, over the whole Iraq business.

"I respect your opinions but, frankly, you're wrong! We can go over all the evidence till kingdom come but, hey, someone has to stand up to the evil ones in the world, and that's just what the Rev Dubya and I did.

"Did I say he was a great guy? Clever, eloquent, deep, prayerful, American (which is always great!) and, above all, I'm proud to say, my friend! Do I have any regrets about the way it's turned out? Well, all I can say is the Evil One is no longer with us. Doesn't that say it all?

"The important thing is to move on."

Exclamation marks everywhere; the word "hey"; shallow chippiness – so much Blair. Lovely stuff.

Tailpiece

 

Recorded message at a mental health clinic: "If you suffer from obsessive-compulsive complex, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personality disorder, press 2, 3, and 4. If you are delusional, press 5 and your call will be beamed directly to the Mother Ship. If you have short-term memory loss, press 6. If you have short-term memory loss, press 6. If you have …"

 

 

Last word

 

There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.

Cicero

GRAHAM LINSCOTT