| Pointsmen and pilots AIR TRAFFIC controllers are the pointsmen of modern life as hundreds of thousands of people flit about the globe every day. It's absolutely vital work. Everything seems to go like clockwork. Yet communications between aircraft and control towers seldom come to light. Here are some actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
* Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock."
Delta 351: "Give us another hint. We have digital watches."
* Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we're at 35 000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
* A pupil pilot was lost during a solo cross-country flight. Attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, Air Traffic Control asked: "What was your last known position?"
Pupil: "When I was number one for take-off."
* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and had an exceedingly long roll-out after touching down.
San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
* The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Cherokee pilot: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
* Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Frankfurt ground control: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and slows to a stop.
Ground control: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground: "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and I didn't land."
* Taxi-ing at Gatwick airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US aircrew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there! I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move 'til I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am."
The ground control communications frequency fell into embarrassed silence. Then an unidentified pilot came over the air: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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