Land of the free and easy
NOTES from the office of a Washington airport ticket agent raise a few questions about the world's greatest democracy.
* I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
* I got a call from a Kansas congressman's staffer who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with: ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but CapeTown is in Massachusetts''. Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained: ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .'' His response: "Click!"
* I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked: ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said: ''No.'' She said: ''But they look so close on the map.''
* An Illinois congresswoman called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went really fast, and she bought that.
* A New York lawmaker called and asked: ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said: "No, why do you ask?" He replied: ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT'. I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' I explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT (Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
* A Senator John Kerry aide called to inquire about a package trip to Hawaii . After going over all the cost information, she asked: "'Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
* Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said: ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Florida, on a commuter plane. She said: ''Yeah whatever, smarty!''
* A New Jersey congressman called to make reservations from Chicago to Rhino, New York. I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered: ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' He replied: ''Whatever. I knew it was a big animal.''
So that's why such a low proportion of Americans ever travel abroad. Even those in government can't find their way out of their own country.
Limerick lines
IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, comes to the assistance of Lydia Weight, who can remember only the first two lines of a limerick for which she is searching. He writes:
A limerick's written with ease,
Like a man on a flying trapese;
But a lady flying high
Would drop from the sky,
And land on somebody's knees.
However, I suspect Ian might be having us on; that he doesn't recognise the limerick either and just made up the last three lines on the spur of the moment.
Tailpiece
Paddy is passing Mick's hay shed when he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. Then he hunches his shoulders forward and lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest underneath. With a final flourish, he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.
"By all de saints of Holy Ireland, what are you doin' Mick?".
"What a fright ye gave me, Paddy!" says Mick in embarrassment. "To tell de truth, me and the Missus have been havin' some trouble lately in de bedroom department. De Therapist suggested I do somethin' sexy to a tractor."
Last word
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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