Potential for political slapstick
SWITZERLAND'S Minister of Finance, Hans-Rudolf Merz, has become a hit on the internet with the posting on YouTube of a speech in parliament in which he suddenly cracks up with laughter.
What tickled him, apparently, was the unintelligible bureaucratic gibberish in the prepared speech he had to read on the importation of cured meat. And his delivery was much appreciated. Merz's fellow-ministers howled with laughter as he made his way through the speech and gave him thunderous applause as he ended.
This is an interesting departure from the norm. What wonderful opportunities do we not have for slapstick in our own public forums? Property deals, contracts for family, contracts for pals, loans ... Our ministers just need to learn the right delivery, like Hans-Rudolf Merz, and we'd have something like the Marx Brothers and Monty Python's Flying Circus rolled into one.
Lettuce locks
POLICE in Hampshire, England, have come under fire for releasing an identikit picture of a robbery suspect, in which he appeared to have lettuce leaves on his head instead of hair.
The bizarre picture was issued to help trace a man who stole £60 from an elderly woman.
The police admitted the picture was "not of the best quality" as they were having technical problems with their computer software but released it anyway because the quality and detail of the facial features was OK.
It is not known how many cabbages and cauliflowers were wrongly hauled in for questioning.
Bananas
THE ABOVE recalls the schoolboy favourite.
"Excuse me, but you've got a banana behind your ear."
"Yes I know."
"Why do you have a banana behind your ear?"
"They didn't have any celery today."
Totally bananas
OR, ALTERNATIVELY:
"Excuse me, you've got a banana in your ear."
"I beg your pardon."
"I say you've got a banana in your ear."
"You'll have to speak up. I've got a banana in my ear."
Pink kitty
A CAT THAT has been dyed pink has been found in Wiltshire, England, and the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is trying to find the owners as well as the prankster culprits. It was thrown over the back fence of a garden in Swindon.
The cat is naturally white and the dye is not toxic, but it is obstinate and does not budge with washing. The RSPCA people are resigned to a long process of waiting for the dye to grow out. They are also very anxious to trace and punish the culprits, who they describe as "sick".
But could they be on the wrong trail? What about the Peter Sellers movie, Return of the Pink Panther.
Tailpiece
IT WAS autumn and the Red Indians asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
The new chief was a modern man who had the haziest idea of the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he really couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold. The members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But after several days he had an idea. He went to the telephone booth, phoned the national weather service and asked: "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood to be prepared.
A week later he called the national weather service again. "Is it going to
be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man on duty replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief went back to his people again and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the national weather service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?"
"The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Last word
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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