Achtung! Diving stations!
ANGLERS and strollers along the towpath of the Leeds-Liverpool canal in Lancashire, England, were astounded to see tied up a fearsome World War II German U-boat – periscope, torpedo tubes and all.
But it turns out to be an ordinary narrowboat, converted by its owner at a cost of 50 000 pounds. It can't submerge, its armaments are fake and it has a top speed of 3 mph, like any other narrowboat.
I like the idea. Why not convert a car into a Tiger tank and strike terror into the hearts of the taxi people here?
One difference though. Let's have a real gun and live ammo. That's the way to get through a crowded intersection.
Naked cowboy
IS THE US in for codpiece politics? A New York street entertainer named Robert Burck, who specialises in serenading commuters in his Y-fronts and a cowboy hat while strumming the guitar, has announced that he's to challenge Barack Obama at the next presidential election.
Thirty-nine-year old Burck, who styles himself the Naked Cowboy, has announced his allegiance to the Tea Party group of the Republican Party, a formation of right-wing radicals who are beginning to embarrass mainstream Republicans.
He could be in synch with the spirit of the times. In Brazil a few weeks ago a clown was elected to Congress, winning well over a million votes more than anyone else.
How does Obama trump a guy in his underpants who sings to thousands of people every day as they come out of the subway? It's a dilemma.
Limericks
MORE assistance for reader Lydia Weight, who seeks the rest of a limerick of which she can remember only the first two lines. One or two men have pretended in a derisory way to try to help. Now at last a Hillcrest gal makes a serious attempt.
She offers two versions, saying sooner or later somebody must hit on the correct one.
A limerick's written with ease
Like a man on a flying trapeze.
But you gotta land right
On your very first flight
Or go sailing off into the trees!
Alternatively:
A limerick is written with ease,
Like a man on a flying trapeze:
The tempo must go
With a sweet, gentle flow
Or momentum will suddenly freeze!
And one more
BUT, ALAS, another lady responds with a whole string of limericks, all hilarious but few printable. An example:
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
By six other men,
Sir Gerald again
And the band of the Waldorf Astoria.
Gripe sheet
THERE'S a constant tension between airline pilots and maintenance engineers. Who is it who actually is responsible for getting the planes in safely? The Australian airline Qantas is no different. A copy comes this way of entries in the "gripe sheets" filled in by pilots, along with the solution provided by ground crew. The pilot's entry is marked "P"; the solution "S".
* P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
* P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
* P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
* P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
* P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
* P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
* P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
* P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
* P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
* P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
* P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
* P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
* P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
* P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Tailpiece
THE HOSPITAL nurse is wearing a badge with an apple on it. A patient asks what it means.
"Nothing," she says. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
Last word
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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