Signs of the times
THE English language has become close to ubiquitous, thanks to Hollywood and the American Century. In the more far-flung places, it often becomes truly exotic. A compilation has come this way of signs in various places:
* In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man.
· A cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
· A doctor's rooms, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
· A dry cleaner's, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results.
· A Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
· On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: Take notice: when this sign is under water this road is impassable.
· In a New York restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
· In a Tokyo hotel: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviouis in bed.
· On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
· In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
· In a Yugoslavia hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
· A hotel in Japan : You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
· In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famour Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
· A sign in Germany 's Black Forest : It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
· A hotel, Zurich : Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
· Donkey rides, Thailand : Would you like to ride on your own ass?
· Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : We take your bags and send them in all directions
· A laundry in Rome : Ladies, leave yolur clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
·
Gugu Grant
READER Shirley Louw seeks information about an Isabella Leonora Mary Emily Grant – known by the Zulu name Gugu - who was born in Durban in 1875, lived most of her life in Scotland, where her father had inherited an estate, served as a volunteer nurse in Russia during World War I then returned to Durban after the war, where she died in 1921.
A researcher will be here in November/December, looking for information. Are any relatives still around? Can anyone help?
Lving will
A READER says he was sitting in the living room with his kids and he said: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So they got up, unplugged the computer and threw out his wine.
Kids can be cruel.
Home needed
THEY'RE about to start refurbishing Addington Children's Hospital. This means Nosey, a friendly striped tabby cat who has taken up residence there along with a group of less friendly feral cats, is about to lose his home. This distresses people in the vicinity who have befriended him over the years.
Anyone who can offer this fellow a home is asked to phone Lauren at 072-1492057.
Rooney again
AT A FEE of something R12 000 a night, the scandal over England footballer Wayne Rooney consorting with a call-girl suggests two things: professional footballers are grossly overpaid – and so are call-girls.
Tailpiece
Judge: " This court finds you guilty of pickpocketing, as charged. You are sentenced to a fine of R5 000 or six months in prison."
Counsel: "M'lud, my client has with him only R4 000. He craves the court's indulgence that he may be allowed to mingle with the crowd for an hour …"
Last word
In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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