Natural history in verse
The elephant is a dainty bird,
It flits from bough to bough.
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
And whistles like a cow.
I'D ALWAYS thought this was a bit of childhood nonsense. But now it turns out an elephant bird egg is up for auction at Christie's, in London, and is expected to fetch £30 000 (R420 000).
The egg is about 100 times larger than a chicken egg. The elephant bird was apparently a giant ostrich standing about 3m tall. It was found in Madagascar but was hunted to extinction by the end of the 17th century.
Its nesting habits and musical accomplishments are not recorded, apart from the above childhood jingle, so that's all we have to go on. It's probably correct.
Except that a bit of research unearths another version.
The elephant is a dainty bird,
It flits from twig to twig.
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
And whistles like a pig.
Why this discrepancy? Or do cows and pigs whistle at much the same pitch and intensity so it makes no difference? Ogden Nash is the sort of authority who might help.
The cow is of the bovine ilk,
One end is moo, the other milk.
He also notes:
The pig, if I am not mistaken,
Supplies us sausage, ham, and bacon.
Let others say his heart is big -
I call it stupid of the pig.
But Nash is silent on the whistling propensities of either species. He does however have something to say about the ostrich, diminutive version of the elephant bird.
The ostrich roams the great Sahara,
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra,
It has such long and lofty legs
I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs.
So we can presume the elephant bird also sat to lay its eggs. How tantalising it is not to be able to know more.
His and hers
DURBAN is about to get its first drive-through ATM service. After intensive research, the bank concerned has come up with operating instructions. They come in two parts, one for men and the other for women customers.
Men:
· Drive up to cash machine.
· Put down car window.
· Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
· Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
· Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
· Put window up.
· Drive off.
Women:
· Drive up to cash machine.
· Reverse and back up required amount to align car window with machine.
· Set handbrake, put window down.
· Find handbag, tip contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
· Tell person on cellphone you will call her back and hang up.
· Attempt to insert card into machine.
· Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car.
· Insert card.
· Re-insert card the right way.
· Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.
· Enter PIN.
· Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
· Enter amount of cash required.
· Check make-up in rear view mirror.
· Retrieve cash and receipt.
· Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
· Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
· Re-check make-up.
· Drive forward 1m.
· Reverse back to cash machine.
· Retrieve card.
· Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card in slot provided.
· Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind.
· Restart stalled engine, pull off.
· Redial person on cellphone.
· Drive two or three kilometres.
· Release handbrake.
Traffic hold-up
A MASSIVE elephant seal weighing about half a ton waddled ashore from the Atlantic and took a wriggle down the main street of the Brazilian seaside city of Balneario Camborini.
He stopped the traffic for more than an hour as he explored Avenida Atlantica before returning from whence he came.
This was an elephant seal schooled in road safety. He was careful to use the zebra crossing.
Tailpiece
Last word
Humour is just another defence against the universe.
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