The Idler, Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Conspiracy theories swirl

 

ALL KINDS of conspiracy theories swirled about the Street Shelter for the Over-40s last Saturday as the Sharks crossed the line of their opponents for three disallowed tries, at least two of which appeared to be cut-and-dried scores. Drie gedruk, as they say in the classics.

 

But let us be charitable. Perhaps the ref was as confused as viewers were by the fact that our opponents were playing in our colours – black - and we were playing in the England colours - white.

 

It seems the Super Rugby administrators are taking some time to mesh with the actuality of the game. In the pulsating finale to the Stormers - Chiefs clash, the fans at Newlands were chanting. What were they chanting? "Pro-o-o-o-vince! Pro-o-o-o-vince!"

 

Yes, the fans know exactly who they are.

 

Who are the Chiefs? I think they're from Waikato (But then again they might be from Nkandla).

 

 

Computer literacy

 

READER Ian Gielink says he belongs to Parkhill Bowling Club, who have an overhead projector which is hardly used.

 

"I decided it would be good to use this facility to make announcements on the big screen. After investigating some options I thought that a USB stick could be the answer. I tried out Word on the computer but could not send the message to the stick

 

"On visiting my daughter-in-law, who knows something about these matters, I mentioned my problem. Without any hesitation my eight-year-old granddaughter piped up and said: 'Gandpa, you can't use Word for that, you must use Powerpoint.' She named all the gizmos that go with it. She says her teacher uses this every day.

 

"It just shows how computer-literate kids are."

 

Yes indeed. By the way, what is a USB stick? What is Word? What is Powerpoint?

 

Dial 999

A FOOTBALL fan in Nottinghamshire, England, was so outraged at the referee's decision to send off Manchester United winger Nani during a Champions League clash with Real Madrid that he dialled the emergency 999 number and reported it to the police as a crime.

The police warned him that he was liable for prosecution for making a frivolous call of this nature, but took no further action.

It couldn't happen here. Every time I phone the Flying Squad emergency number to protest against a cricket umpiring decision, the phone just rings and rings.

 

Power shift?

HAS WORLD dominance slipped from the Americans? Chinese computer hackers say they have dropped the US government as a target. They have to allocate their time and energy to powerful organisations, and the US government no longer qualifies – not even as any sort of "organisation."

Well, that's according to satirist Andy Borowitz.  He quotes the hackers saying they set out to cause abject paralysis in the US but "they seem to have already taken care of that on their own."

Despite years of compromising US government computers, little of value had been obtained, especially from the hard drives of congressional offices.

"Those computers did not appear to be used for anything work-related. Basically all we found were restaurant reservations and porn."

Yeah, well. If you can take satire of this sort, you've still got an inner strength. I don't think it could happen in Beijing.

 

Tailpiece

COUNTING the Sunday offering, an American rural pastor finds a pink envelope containing $1 000. It happens again the next Sunday.
The following Sunday he watches and sees an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. It goes on for weeks. Eventually the pastor approaches her.

"Ma'am, I can't help but notice that you put $1 000 a week in the collection plate."
"Why, yes. Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
"That's wonderful. But are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
"$10 000 a week."
"Your son must be very successful. What does he do for a living?"
"He's a veterinarian." (She says with pride)
"That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money. Where does he practise?"
"In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Last word

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vince Lombardi