The Idler, Friday, March 15, 2013

Strange and terrifying

HAVE you bought anything from a skeleton lately? Police in Godfrey, Illinois, in the US, have arrested a man in connection with a series of burglaries and they suspect that he has already sold off part of his loot.

They have issued a photograph of the man and appealed to anyone who might have bought goods from him to come forward.

They shouldn't have difficulty recognising him . He has a human skull tattooed over his entire face.

Captain Mike Dixon, of the Madison County Sheriff's Department, describes the skeleton-style tattoo as "the oddest thing I've ever seen in 20-plus years of law enforcement."

Captain Dixon should come to Durban to the Street Shelter for the Over-40s. There he'd see some truly strange and terrifying tattoos, notably among the more mature damsels.

 

Extinction

 

HAVE telephone lines gone extinct in the Midlands? It seems thieves have been stealing the copper wire at such a rate that Telkom has given up and farmers rely entirely on cellphones.

 

This is according to Michael Green, retired editor of our sister newspaper, the Daily News, who says friends in the Midlands tell him new lines are being stolen almost as they go up.

 

It's a sad commentary. And what happens if the thieves start turning their attention to the radio masts that serve the cellphone networks?

 

Joie de vivre

 

MEANWHILE, I wonder what the rural telephone position is down in East Griqualand, where for some people the telephone poles play a role that goes beyond communication? Sometimes people climb them just to express joie de vivre.

 

For instance, in the Swartberg district early one New Year's day, a police constable on patrol noticed an empty beer bottle over the iron spike that is on the top of each pole as a lightning conductor. The next pole also had a beer bottle and so did the next.

 

The policeman found himself following a trail of empty beer bottles on telephone poles. The trail branched to follow the turn-off to a farm occupied by a certain fellow I was at school with. It continued right up to the farmhouse.

 

The cop went in, got this fellow out of bed, wished him a happy New Year then took him in the van to climb every pole and retrieve the beer bottles.

 

It was harsh punishment for a man in his reduced physical condition, but there you are. The law is the law. Or it was. Do today's wire thieves in the Midlands get made to shin up the telephone poles and replace what they've taken? Do they heck! It's a sad commentary.

 

Our boys

NICK Compton and Jonathan Trott come to England's rescue with centuries apiece against New Zealand in the Second Test.

Is it churlish to keep reminding people that both are South Africans? Nick is a Durban boy, son of Richard and nephew of Patrick (cricket writer on this newspaper). He went to DHS before winning a scholarship to Harrow, in England.

Jonathan Trott grew up in Cape Town and went to Stellenbosch University.

In fact there are so many South Africans in the England side that people refer to a series between us and them as South Africa A versus South Africa B.

Richard and Patrick (sons of the great Denis Compton) were themselves gifted cricketers who did not achieve the honours they otherwise would have because they opted in the apartheid era to play multiracial "protest" cricket.

They performed with great distinction for many years for the Durban Press XI where Richard, as skipper, exhibited only one failing – he under-used my deadly legspin attack.

 

 

Not done

 

READER Kelvin Dyer sends in a tweet picked up from a female Sharks fan: "What's the similarity between braaing chicken and an argument with a woman? Just when you think you're done, give it another 20 minutes."

 

Just what were those gals arguing about? The Super Kings game?

 

Tailpiece

A CLERGYMAN is walking down the street when he sees a small boy across the way trying unsuccessfully to ring a doorbell that is out of reach. He crosses the street and gives the bell a long, firm ring on the boy's behalf. He beams down at him.

"And what now, my good fellow?"

"Now we run like hell!"

Last word

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. - Thomas Jefferson