Confident, sexy, seductive …
A STIRRING affirmation comes this way, so profound it simply has to be passed on.
Woman is a man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels that he is the most beautiful man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait … wait … sorry … I'm thinking of Single Malt. It's Single Malt that does all that. Sorry.
High-tech
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-40s: "I asked my girlfriend to pass me the newspaper. 'Don't be silly,' she said. 'Use my iPad.' Boy, that spider never knew what hit it!"
New species
SCIENTISTS exploring a "lost world" near Loch Ness, in Scotland, have discovered a host of tiny creatures never before recorded in Britain. Biological surveys at Dundreggan have discovered eight new species - sawfly, an aphid, two types of aphid parasites, three fungus gnats and a type of mite.
Great stuff! They should transfer their attention to the loch itself. There they will find a large serpentine creature, rather like a marine dinosaur, that breaks the water surface on moonlit nights. It's a sub-species of aphid.
Batman
POLICE in the town of Bradford in Yorkshire, England, were astonished when Batman walked into their station and handed over a suspected burglar. He was wearing the full Batman outfit – cape, boots, gloves and logo.
Then Batman somehow slipped away as the suspect was being booked. The police had to release CCTV images to trace him.
It turns out Batman was a friend of the man who was turned in and later arrested. He had phoned Batman while he was watching a football match, asking him to help in handing himself over to the police, who had been looking for him. So Batman obliged.
Batman turns out to be one Stan Warby, 39, who just happened to be wearing the Batman outfit to the football match when he got the phone call.
Ah, yes. That explains everything.
More horseburgers
READER Esmond Naidoo brings us the latest in the horse meat scandal:
· This whole thing is getting out of hand. Now they tell me buffalo wings contain chicken.
· My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Durban July.
· I'm waiting in trepidation to hear the truth about monkey gland sauce.
· Food labels will no longer use "kilojoule content" to describe energy value, it will now be referred to as "horsepower"
· Please stop eating the donkeys and horses. With the petrol price increases we're going to need them for transport soon.
Tailpiece
FOUR blokes have for years gone on a fishing trip, camping at the same spot. Then, two days before setting out, Joe's wife puts her foot down. Joe is not allowed to go this time. It puts a damper on things but the three others set out anyway.
They get to the camping site. To their utter astonishment, Joe is sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Joe! How long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said: 'Guess who?'
"I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy, brand-new lingerie. She said she'd been reading Fifty Shades of Gray. She had a crazy look in her eyes.
"She took my hand and led me to the bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals scattered all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
"Then she said: 'Do whatever you want!'
"So ... here I am."
Last word
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
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