Beer, baccy, crumpet
ONE'S faith in the British parliamentary system is badly shaken by last week's by-election in the constituency of Eastleigh.
Ray Hall, of the Beer, Baccy and Crumpet Party, managed only 235 votes (0.56 percent of the total), though he did beat Howling Laud Hope, of the Monster Raving Loony Party (136 – 0.33 percent) and David Bishop, of Elvis Loves Pets (72 – 0.31 percent).
Also involved were Mike Thornton, of the Liberal Democrats, who won with 13 610 votes (32.06 percent); Diane James, of the United Kingdom Independence Party (11 571 – 27.8 percent); Maria Hutchings, of the Conservative Party (10 559 - 25.37 percent); and John O'Farrell, Labour (4 080 – 9.82 percent).
One had hoped for a breakthrough by one of the smaller parties. But – sigh! – it seems democracy still belongs to the big battalions.
What's that you say? Ukip were themselves part of the lunatic fringe not so long ago?
Well, true enough – but they don't resonate with the ordinary man like Beer, Baccy and Crumpet.
Homing pigeon
PRISON officers at New York's notorious Rikers Island jail were puzzled about where they had seen their new colleague before. But then the penny dropped. Matthew Matagrano was a former inmate.
In fact he was there under false pretences. He'd got back into prison disguised as a Department of Correction officer, using a falsified badge and ID card, and had been roaming the place for a week when he got picked up.
What attracted him back? Maybe to speak to old pals, maybe a bet he made with them before he was released. Maybe it was the prison cooking, maybe the world out there is a bit harsh and cold in the midst of the economic recession.
Now he's charged with impersonating a prison officer. One way or another, it seems he gets his wish. He'll be back.
Lovely grub
IMMIGRATION officers at Gatwick Airport, in Britain, have found tens of thousands of dried caterpillars inside a passenger's luggage. The 22-year-old man had travelled from Burkina Faso,in West Africa, via Istanbul .
When officers checked his suitcase, they found 94kg of the dried caterpillars shrink-wrapped in cellophane. He said they were for personal consumption as food.
But the caterpillars were seized for incineration because they breach veterinary controls.
It sounds like the dried Mopani worms that are also a delicacy in the more arid parts of southern Africa. Maybe there was a similar hold-up in Burkina Faso's shipment to South Africa, and that's why they lost the Afcon final – they were lacking their caterpillar vitamins.
Lonesome cowboy
Here on the range I belong,
Drifting along with the tumblin' tumbleweeds . . .
JOSH Pitman, of Midland, in Texas, doesn't quite share the romantic sentiments of the cowboy song about the tumbleweeds that roll across the Wild West.
The recent snowstorms and high winds have rolled them right up against his house, almost burying it. One side of the home is almost entirely obscured by the plants. He expects it will take him a week to clear them away.
Lonely, but free, I'll be found,
Drifting along with the tumblin' tumbleweeds . . .
Tailpiece
A WOMAN has a facelift for her 50th birthday. She likes it. She stops at a newsstand and says to the seller: "How old do you think I am?"
"About 32."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50.".
She goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
"I'd guess about 29."
"'Nope, I'm 50!
She stops off to buy some mints and asks the the same question.
"Oh, I'd say 30."
"I'm 50, but thank you!"
At the bus stop she puts the same question to an old man.
"Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell a woman's age. But you have to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell exactly."
Silence. Then curiosity gets the better of her.
"What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs, pushes and rubs.
"Okay, okay. How old am I?"
"Madam, you're 50."
"Incredible! How can you tell?"
"'I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds."
Last word
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
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