The Idler, Monday, April 1, 2013

The news pours in

TODAY this space in the newspaper is devoted to an overflow from the news pages.

The province of KwaZulu-Natal was agog at news today that the United Nations is to move its headquarters from New York to Nkandla. Taken with the decision by the World Bank to likewise move to Nkandla, this is seen as a massive economic boost for the province, coming as it does on top of the decision of the Johannesburg Stock Exchange to relocate to … Nkandla.

Said presidential spokesman Mac MacDuff: "This confounds those who have been sneering at plans to build a bullet train and autobahn system between Nkandla and Pofadder; to build an international airport in the Nkandla forest; to relocate the deep space observation telescope system from Sutherland, in the Karoo, to Kranskop, where it will overlook the presidential complex at Nkandla and gaze at the stars; and to build a submarine base in the Tugela River to provide protection and security for this burgeoning national key point. Not to forget the Gripen fighter base.

"The naysayers deserve to squirm. They must eat dirt. Nkandla is where it's at."

Meanwhile, huge plans are afoot for Durban. The city hall is to be converted into a casino and Disneyland. A deep channel is to be dredged between the Bluff and the rest of the city so that the Bluff can go its own way – as it's always wanted to - and seek membership of the United Nations. Moses Mabhida stadium is to become the blast-off site of South Africa's space exploration programme – our own version of Cape Canaveral – and the St Clement's weekly soiree, on the Berea, is to take over the KZN Playhouse.

Up in Pietermaritzburg, there's a break with tradition. The Victoria Country Club – one of whose components used to forbid women crossing the threshold, then grudgingly allowed them to use a side entrance – is to employ topless go-go dancers to double as barmaids and waitresses.

"You can't live in the past," said a club spokesman. "Yes, I know there was that embarrassing moment when Queen Elizabeth was here for the Commonwealth Conference and she'd have had to use the side entrance to visit the place named after her great-great-grandmother, but we've moved out of town now and we've moved with the times.

"But we do still fly the Union Jack every day. Plus the go-go girls will be wearing Union Jack hotpants. I think we've got a nice balance between old and new. The traditional members are delighted."

Late flash: News comes in from Stockholm that the Nobel Prize committee is to establish a new award for world statesmanship, fecundity and promotion of family cohesion. The first such award is to be made after a special meeting at Nkandla and speculation is rife that this could only mean …

It's odd how this news overflow seems to happen every April 1.

 

Tailpiece

THE MADAM opens the brothel door to a dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.   "May I help you sir?"   "I want to see Suzy"   "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?"   "No, I must see Suzy."   Suzy appears and announces that she charges £5 000 a visit.   Without hesitation, the man pulls out £5 000 and gives it to her. They go upstairs. The man leaves an hour later.   Next night he's there again, demanding to see Suzy.   Suzy says nobody ever comes back two nights running as she's so expensive.   "There are no discounts. The price is still £5 000."   Again he pulls out the money and gives it to her. They go  upstairs. After an hour he leaves.   Next night he's there yet again. Everyone is astounded. He pays Suzy and they go upstairs.   Afterwards Suzy says: "Nobody has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"   "Edinburgh."   "Really. I have family in Edinburgh."   "I know. Your sister died, and I was her solicitor. I'm here to hand over your £15 000 inheritance."

 

Last word

What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesn't come every day.

George Bernard Shaw