These kindergarten antics
THE WORLD of football is rightly scandalised by the incident in which Liverpool striker Luis Suarez bit Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic. Did you ever see anything so pathetic and babyish as a grown man biting another?
If Suarez had punched or kicked Ivanovic it would have been bad enough. But biting? It's not just pathetic, it's comical and it brings the game into disrepute, reducing it to toddler level where Mum smacks naughty kids who bite – and that's the end of it.
Yes, I know rugby forwards have been known to nibble hard at an opponent's ear but it's not quite the same when, in the heat of a ruck, the other fellow's ear somehow ends up in the culprit's mouth.
This was out in the open and embarrassing, Suarez suddenly going all babyish and biting Ivanovic on the arm. It's a man's game, surely. The FA need to come down heavy over this one. What self-respecting football hooligan wants to see his game reduced to kindergarten antics?
ANOTHER "My Barber Says":
When HMS Dreadnought visited Cape Town in the late 1940s, the radio announcer on the Afrikaans service called it "Sy Majesteit se Skip Skrik Vir Niks."
Mixed fortunes
THE VAGARIES of fortune … A man who lived as a hermit in the woods for almost three decades has now been arrested on charges of theft from campsites and has received a proposal of marriage. A complete stranger has also offered to bail him out of jail.
Christopher Knight, known as the North Pond Hermit in Kennebec County, in the American state of Maine, had no contact with other human beings for 27 years – though he regularly raided empty cottages and campsites for food and equipment to help him survive. He faces more than 1 000 charges of burglary and theft.
Now he is in custody and having to get used to people again. He has declined the offer of marriage. Quite right, you can't rush things.
Sans tash
A PIGEON has crashed into a window in Scotland leaving a remarkable if greasy imprint of itself – wings, head, beak and body – on the glass,
It happened in Dunblane. A photograph of this freaky phenomenon has now been posted on the internet, householder Stuart Milligan peering through the glass from inside.
The pigeon is the one without the moustache.
Iron Lady
SOME Margaret Thatcher quotes:
· In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
· The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money.
· Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
· Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become habits. Watch your habits for they become your character. And watch your character for it becomes your destiny. What we think, we become. My father always said that ... and I think I am fine.
· Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing; it's a day you've had everything to do and you've done it.
· If you just set out to be liked, you will be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and would achieve nothing.
· You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.
· Do you know that one of the great problems of our age is that we are governed by people who care more about feelings than they do about thoughts and ideas.
· I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Tailpiece
MICK is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? It's the £1 million question. Which of the following four bird species does not build its own nest? Sparrow; thrush; magpie; cuckoo?
Mick decides to use his last lifeline, to phone Paddy.
"It's de cuckoo."
You're sure?"
"Dead sure!"
Mick wins £1 million. Next night he meets Paddy for a Guinness.
"I'm so grateful, Paddy. How did you know dat?"
"Everyone knows de cuckoo don't build a nest. It lives in a clock, ya eedjit!"
Last word
Nobody believes the official spokesman ... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
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