The Idler, Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Attila the Hen MARGARET Thatcher was a tough cookie, that's for sure. An American diplomat friend was stationed in Argentina during the run-up to the Falklands War. He tells of how they tried desperately to warn the Galtieri regime of the likely consequences of invading the islands. "But the British now have a woman as prime minister," they laughed. "They will never fight." In vain did the diplomat try to explain that this lady was by no means lacking in the cojones department. It was sad and rather pathetic to see on TV a British trade union leader celebrating the Iron Lady's death with a cigar. A woman dies at the age of 87. That's treated as some kind of victory? Wow, what a string of defeats his life must have been. In fact, the defeat is more or less total. Thatcher set a new agenda. Thatcherism was embraced by Labour under Tony Blair. It's difficult to see a reversion. Attila the Hen, as she was dubbed, made plenty of enemies and surprisingly few friends, even in her own party. In the end she was unceremoniously dumped. But long-term she has left her  mark. Party animal   THE IRON Lady's consort, Denis Thatcher, was low-key but a hilarious figure on the fringes. A party animal – in the sense of enjoying a few snorts – he was one of the boys. He was also a rugby enthusiast and used to referee.   He told of an occasion when he blew for an infringement and ordered a scrum.   "This bastard's blind!" said one of the players. "What did you say?" "You hear that? Bastard's deaf too!"   Marriage   READER Graham Rudolph sends in some sayings from various people on the topic of holy matrimony.   ·        Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Tommy Lee. ·        When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Lee Majors. ·        After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.  - Al Gore. ·        By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates. ·        The great question which I have not been able to answer is: "What does a woman want?" - George Clooney. ·        I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Rudy Giuliani. ·        There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - Michael Jordan . ·        Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. Whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.  - Shaquille O'Neal. ·        Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - George W. Bush.   Did George W Bush really say that? He must have been reading bubble gum wrappers again.

Tailpiece

 

A TRAFFIC policeman pulls over a woman driver.   "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"   "I don't have one. I lost it for drunk driving."   "Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?   "I can't do that, I stole this car. I killed and hacked up the owner. His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot. Do you want to see?"   The policeman backs away to his car, and calls for back-up. Within minutes five police cars arrive. A senior officer cautiously approaches, clasping his half-drawn gun.   "Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please."   She does so.   "One of my officers tells me you've stolen this car and murdered the owner. Could you please open the boot?"   She does so. It is empty.   "Is this your car, ma'am?"   "Yes, here are the registration papers." "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's licence."   She digs into her handbag and hands over her licence.   "Thank you, ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, you stole this car, and you murdered and dismembered the owner."   "I bet the liar also told you I was speeding."

 

Last word

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.

Mike Myers