The Idler, Thursday, April 18, 2013

That'll larn 'em! CHILDREN as young as 10 are said to be using alcohol, so the authorities say they are going to crack down. Wham! They're going to up the age at which people may be served in bars from 18 to 21. That'll larn these preteen booze artists! Duh? There have been some dreadful incidents of violence at King's Park, apparently involving liquor. (Many say steroids and cocaine are also involved, but first things first). The cops say they are going to stop people drinking on the outer fields as they braai and unwind. Duh? Are family braais and a few beers while the kids run around playing touch rugby really a part of the problem? Do the cops have a legal case? Are the outer fields of King's Park really public space where it is illegal to drink? The fields are controlled by the KZN Rugby Union. A high palisade fence surrounds them. People pay to go in. The general public are not affected. It's not illegal to possess liquor. Nor, surely, to consume it in a place not frequented by the general public. Liquor is neither bought nor sold on the outer fields. The Bill of Rights in our constitution enshrines freedom of association. What could better typify freedom of association than people congregating to watch rugby then braai and enjoy a few beers afterwards – all of it totally harmless and legal – well out of the gaze of the passing public? It would make an interesting test case.   Gormless TO STOP the braai parties at King's Park would kill stone dead an institution that has become famous all over the world. No other rugby stadium has the space plus the weather to stage such a thing. The family atmosphere and conviviality of the outer fields are part of the charm of King's Park. To stop that would be absolutely gormless. If security concerns have arisen – and it appears they have – it is surely for the rugby authorities and the police to put in place proper counter-measures. It doesn't help to just kick the cat.     Bar crèche A SASPARILLA for the kid … When Irish gardai (police) raised a pub in a place called Glenamaddy for being open after hours, they found a three-year-old, a seven-year-old and a 13-year-old with the 50-odd illicit drinkers. It was 2.30 am when the gardai raided. But they take a dim view of such things in Ireland. A judge closed the pub for two days and nights as punishment. I wonder where the older kids got help with their homework those two nights?   Household tips SOME common sense household tips and advice come this way: ·        If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. ·        Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables. ·        Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat. Use the sink. ·        A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. ·        You need only two tools in life – Q20 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use Q20. If it shouldn't move and does, use duct tape. ·        If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Windfall A SMALL Chinese vase, taken to Britain in the 1880s by a diplomat, was valued at between £10 000 (R140 000) and £15 000 when it went for auction in Leyburn, North Yorkshire. It eventually fetched £950 000 – about 100 times the valuation. The winning bid came by telephone from Hong Kong. The 20cm high blue and white vase had originally been made for a Chinese emperor. It was given as a gift to the diplomat and had stayed in the family until put up for sale by an Oxford academic who had inherited it. The sherry no doubt tasted pretty good in hall that evening.  Tailpiece Mick: "I tink my wife is having an affair wit an electrician. I found a pair of pliers under de bed." Paddy: "I tink my wife is having an affair wit a plumber. I found a blow-lamp under de bed." Seamus: "I tink my wife is having an affair wit a horse. I found two jockeys in de cupboard." Last word   A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra