Monday, April 22, 2013

The Idler, Monday, April 21, 2013

Maul rained off


SUCH was the weather last Saturday that only a lunatic (or perhaps a Liquor Board official) would be on the outer fields of King's Park.


But it's interesting that the Sharks management appear to have spotted the flaw in the thinking of the Liquor Board and told fans to go ahead and have their braais and beers on the outer fields, as they always have.


Of course – as argued in this column last week – the outer fields, where liquor is neither bought nor sold, have nothing to do with the Liquor Board. Nor does it have anything to do with the police or anyone else that people should be consuming beer, along with their sausages, in the open air on land leased by the KZN Rugby Union and closed off from public view.


All the same, the apparent hostility of officialdom to rugby and to the internationally renowned King's Park after-party is disturbing.


The Sharks depart for Down Under. The maul with officialdom is put off for another day.


That visit


MORE on that visit to South Africa in the 1930s by Edward, Prince of Wales. Devlyn Fraser, of Umkomaas, says Edward was playing golf at Rondebosch, in the Cape, where his caddy heard the others in the four-ball calling him "Your Highness."


After a few holes the caddy said to the Prince: "D'jou know, my bra's name is also Johannes?"


No agony uncles


THERE are plenty of agony aunts but no agony uncles. Reader Esmond Naidoo explains why not, with the example of an unsuccessful attempt to instal an agony uncle on a newspaper.


A reader wrote in: "I am a woman aged 26. I left my husband with the au pair and my baby at home. I drove for just about two kilometres when my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get help. When I got home I found my husband in bed with the au pair. I don't know what to do now, please help me."


The agony uncle's reply: "Over-heating of the engine after such a short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator. You need to check the oil and water level in your engine before you start your journey. You must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. I hope this will help."


So? I'm not sure what Esmond is getting at.


Safer underground


A READER who signs himself M Dyduch says last year there were 37 fatalities in road accidents per 100 000 of population. The statistics are more or less the same when it comes to the murder rate.


Yet there were 123 fatalities in our mines, out of a workforce of 550 000. This makes it 22.3 fatalities per 100 000 of the working population. The miners are therefore much safer underground than on the surface.


He adds: "English is not my home language but I tried my best."


Monsieur/Herr/Senor Dyduch – there's nothing wrong with your English. Your maths is even better.


Maybe we should all become troglodytes (That's a dreadful English word for people who live underground).


Gone where?


MARY Ann Grafetsberger, doughty defender of the interests of vervet monkeys, is captivated by Granny Joan's story of the two mynahs that have taken over her garden flat.


Mynahs are just little vervets with wings, she says, and Granny Joan is obviously a person who loves animals.


But what, Mary Ann asks, has happened to all the mynahs that used to roost in such numbers at places like Medwood Gardens?


"One could not hear oneself think with all the twittering as they settled in for the night."


Well, I'm not sure about that word "twittering". Raucous screeching is more like it. But I take Mary Ann's point. All kinds of people have been asking what's happened to the mynahs that used to be here in such numbers?


The same seems true of the European sparrows. Does anyone out there have any idea?





Attorney: "Back to court again. What are the charges this time?"


Client: "Well, I was settling down to sleep naked the way I always do …."


Attorney: "So?"


Client: "Then this stewardess appeared in the aisle and next thing they had the handcuffs on me."


Last word


I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Jack Benny


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