The elephant bird
THEY'RE tracking me down, getting a fix on me. Reader John Deane says he knows all about me, where I'm coming from.
"In your column on Friday you wrote about the extinct 'elephant bird' or aepyornis of Madagascar, and its gigantic egg. A few weeks earlier you recalled your old schoolmasters 'Cabbage' Strachan and 'Spud' Conroy at Maritzburg College (celebrating its 150th anniversary this year), from which I know your impressionable adolescent years were spent in Maritzburg.
"I wonder whether you ever went to the Natal Museum (now the KZN Museum) and saw the giant moa of New Zealand and its equally impressive egg, one of which would enable Nigelissima to make an omelette every day for a fortnight or more. (Nigelissima is, of course, Nigella Lawson, a very dishy TV cook and food writer in England).
"The bird is unmistakably ostrich-like, and more than three metres high. I doubt whether this is a genuine specimen though – more likely a clever reconstruction based on archaeological evidence.
"If perhaps the egg was laid while the bird was standing, the skulls of prehistoric New Zealanders standing under it would have been in as much danger as under a coconut palm in a high wind."
I do indeed remember that giant moa. The museum also had a dodo – probably also a reconstruction. John now has me thinking. I know some very dumb New Zealanders. Maybe the giant moa did drop eggs on their ancestors' heads and the damage has been transmitted through the genes.
Natural history is a fascinating topic.
Blue-lighters
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener says he counted 28 vehicles speeding through the traffic lights in a blue-light convoy during the Brics shindig last week "He or she must have been really late for breakfast."
In his latest grumpy newsletter, he says an interesting lesson in market values was delivered by the conference.
"During both the World Cup three years ago and the continental kick-about last month, when there were matches here in Durban, a warship (sometimes even a submarine) would appear in the bay protecting the players and fans. Just what threat was expected from offshore was never explained but clearly someone was nervous about having so many highly priced hoofers of the round ball playing so close to the shore.
"The Brics leaders and their entourages merited not even a man with a big stick in a leaky rowboat out there on the briny. Just shows what value we attach to those guys and girls. Or is it just that we don't have any spare warships right now?
"Most of the proceedings of the Brics knees-up are far too dreary to follow but the subject of forming a development bank is interesting. Where on earth would South Africa come up with a capital contribution in line with our 'partners' in such a venture?
"The old story of using one horse and one rabbit when making horse and rabbit stew comes to mind. In this case it would be one horse, three asses and a gerbil. Obviously we see ourselves as the borrower in this plan, not the lender."
The change?
I'M NOT SURE if this is really to be found in Hansard, but my old pal Tom Dennen says an MP told the story in parliament of a father who gave R100 to each of this three sons, telling them to buy something that would fill a room completely.
The first son bought hay for R100 - but couldn't fill the room completely. The second bought cotton for R100 - but couldn't fill the room completely.
The third bought a candle for R1 - and lit it up and the room was filled with light completely.
"Our President Jacob Zuma is like the third son. From the day he has taken office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"
Voice from the backbenches: "Where's the R99 change?"
Tailpiece
THE SWINGER comes home and shows hubby her new dress. It's absolutely transparent.
"But honey, people will see right through that."
"No they won't. I'll be inside it."
Last word
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
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