Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Idler, Friday, November 28, 2014

Insuring your assets

A PROFESSIONAL tea taster has had his tongue insured for £1 million 

(R17.3m) after five years of intensive training made him a "master blender".

His British employers, Tetley Tea, arranged it. Taster Sebastian Michaelis can 

taste and grade any one of the world's more than 1 500 varieties of tea in just 15 

seconds.

A tongue and its tastebuds. This is something new. 

Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo has insured his legs for £90m. Singer Jennifer 

Lopez has insured her derriere (not her larynx?) for £180m. Rolling Stones 

guitarist Keith Richards has insured his hands for £2m.

Country singer Dolly Parton has insured her cleavage for $600 000 (R8.7 m) – 

badly under-insured if you ask me.

Back in the silent movie days, Charlie Chaplin insured his feet - which gave him 

that funny walk – for £100 000, which was a massive amount back in the 1920s.

Oscar-winning Julia Roberts has insured her beaming smile for £19m. Bruce 

Springsteen has insured his voice for £4m. 

Singer Maria Carey has insured her shapely legs (again, not her larynx!) for a 

staggering $1 billion. James Bond star Daniel Craig has insured his entire body for 

£6m. Reality TV star Joey Essex (can that name be real?) has insured his hair 

for £1m. 

There's quite a range. The tea taster's tongue is considered to be worth double Dolly 

Parton's cleavage – though I would hotly dispute that. And the issue has caused a 

buzz of interest, not least in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties.

Here there are three categories of punter. Those who want to register with the 

breweries as beer tasters and wish to have their tongues and tastebuds insured.

The braggart alleged lovers whose lewd description of their insurable attributes has no 

place here.

And then the fellows who feel their ample bellies and buttocks need insuring. If 

Jennifer Lopez can do it, why not they?

But a contact in the insurance industry says there's no chance. "Those bums are 

uninsurable," he told me.

Skills

I CAN vouch for the skills of the tea tasters. In days of yore I had a little to do with 

the Ntingwe tea estate, in Zululand, which produces absolutely top quality stuff that is 

marketed under its own name – no blending – across Europe.

There I encountered a charming Sri Lankan buyer for a British tea company, who had 

played cricket for his country. Also the amiable Sri Lankan manager of the estate. 

These fellows knew their tea.

The manager used to regularly taste what was coming through the factory. One 

morning he took a sip from the cup proffered, spat it out and yelled in real distress: 

"What's gone wrong?"

But it was only a prank. Two of the field officers had bought a packet of tea from the 

local trading store and tried it out on him. It might as well have been kakiebos.

Collapso!

A WOMAN in Melbourne, Australia, was hanging up the washing in her back yard 

when the earth opened up beneath her and she went into a 3m sinkhole, where 

she found herself floating in a pool of water.

She cried out for help, the neighbours heard her and she was rescued by 

firefighters. She was unhurt.

People in the neighbourhood have been asked to stay indoors while engineers 

investigate the collapse.

One line of inquiry: were the Proteas batting anywhere in the vicinity at the time? 

These collapses could be contagious.

Healthy food

HELL hath no fury like a schoolkid forced to eat a healthy lunch. Michelle Obama, 

wife of President Barack, has given her enthusiastic support to a campaign by 

the US Department of Agriculture for more fruits, vegetables and whole grains in 

school lunches.

Now high school pupils are posting pictures on Twitter of their gloopy lunches, 

with the hashtag "ThanksMichelleObama".

One posted a photo of a soupy Spanish rice and an apple. "Had a very 

#healthylunch today. The apple definitely made up for the 'mystery mush'."

They should have tried the school meals in my day. At Maritzburg College the 

cook used to roll the meatballs under his armpit.

Tailpiece

"I FINALLY got my husband to stop reading my e-mails."

"How'd you manage that?"

"I renamed the e-mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'."

Last word

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 

H L Mencken

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