Insuring your assets
A PROFESSIONAL tea taster has had his tongue insured for £1 million
(R17.3m) after five years of intensive training made him a "master blender".
His British employers, Tetley Tea, arranged it. Taster Sebastian Michaelis can
taste and grade any one of the world's more than 1 500 varieties of tea in just 15
seconds.
A tongue and its tastebuds. This is something new.
Footballer Cristiano Ronaldo has insured his legs for £90m. Singer Jennifer
Lopez has insured her derriere (not her larynx?) for £180m. Rolling Stones
guitarist Keith Richards has insured his hands for £2m.
Country singer Dolly Parton has insured her cleavage for $600 000 (R8.7 m) –
badly under-insured if you ask me.
Back in the silent movie days, Charlie Chaplin insured his feet - which gave him
that funny walk – for £100 000, which was a massive amount back in the 1920s.
Oscar-winning Julia Roberts has insured her beaming smile for £19m. Bruce
Springsteen has insured his voice for £4m.
Singer Maria Carey has insured her shapely legs (again, not her larynx!) for a
staggering $1 billion. James Bond star Daniel Craig has insured his entire body for
£6m. Reality TV star Joey Essex (can that name be real?) has insured his hair
for £1m.
There's quite a range. The tea taster's tongue is considered to be worth double Dolly
Parton's cleavage – though I would hotly dispute that. And the issue has caused a
buzz of interest, not least in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties.
Here there are three categories of punter. Those who want to register with the
breweries as beer tasters and wish to have their tongues and tastebuds insured.
The braggart alleged lovers whose lewd description of their insurable attributes has no
place here.
And then the fellows who feel their ample bellies and buttocks need insuring. If
Jennifer Lopez can do it, why not they?
But a contact in the insurance industry says there's no chance. "Those bums are
uninsurable," he told me.
Skills
I CAN vouch for the skills of the tea tasters. In days of yore I had a little to do with
the Ntingwe tea estate, in Zululand, which produces absolutely top quality stuff that is
marketed under its own name – no blending – across Europe.
There I encountered a charming Sri Lankan buyer for a British tea company, who had
played cricket for his country. Also the amiable Sri Lankan manager of the estate.
These fellows knew their tea.
The manager used to regularly taste what was coming through the factory. One
morning he took a sip from the cup proffered, spat it out and yelled in real distress:
"What's gone wrong?"
But it was only a prank. Two of the field officers had bought a packet of tea from the
local trading store and tried it out on him. It might as well have been kakiebos.
Collapso!
A WOMAN in Melbourne, Australia, was hanging up the washing in her back yard
when the earth opened up beneath her and she went into a 3m sinkhole, where
she found herself floating in a pool of water.
She cried out for help, the neighbours heard her and she was rescued by
firefighters. She was unhurt.
People in the neighbourhood have been asked to stay indoors while engineers
investigate the collapse.
One line of inquiry: were the Proteas batting anywhere in the vicinity at the time?
These collapses could be contagious.
Healthy food
HELL hath no fury like a schoolkid forced to eat a healthy lunch. Michelle Obama,
wife of President Barack, has given her enthusiastic support to a campaign by
the US Department of Agriculture for more fruits, vegetables and whole grains in
school lunches.
Now high school pupils are posting pictures on Twitter of their gloopy lunches,
with the hashtag "ThanksMichelleObama".
One posted a photo of a soupy Spanish rice and an apple. "Had a very
#healthylunch today. The apple definitely made up for the 'mystery mush'."
They should have tried the school meals in my day. At Maritzburg College the
cook used to roll the meatballs under his armpit.
Tailpiece
"I FINALLY got my husband to stop reading my e-mails."
"How'd you manage that?"
"I renamed the e-mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'."
Last word
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
H L Mencken
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