Croats vs Bosnian Serbs
WHAT could be more relaxing than a Currie Cup final in which our fellows are
not involved? Watching Province against the Lions last weekend , it was like
watching the Croats versus the Bosnian Serbs. You just don't care.
Yet it turned out a pretty good game. If Super Rugby can catch the new spirit that
has shown itself in the Currie Cup, we'll have a cracker of a season next year,
quite apart from the World Cup.
Brendan Venter and Gary Gold coaching the Sharks – this will be interesting,
something consistent and building to a climax, not the yes./no hiccups of this
season. We did pretty well, considering.
Gary Gold is a specialist in forward play. No doubt he has some answers to the
way we were outscrummed by the Lions, who we outweighed.
Bring it on, fellers, bring it on! Let's bring schools and club rugby back into the
frame. Let's fill King's Park again!
Wilde vrou
READER Val Johnson says our vervet monkeys are definitely tweetalig. When she
went into her kitchen the other day, there this fellow was eyeing her groceries on the
table – chcolates, mince pies, sweet, fruit.
"I ran at him punching the air, yelling: 'Go away! Voetsak! Voetsak! Voetsak!'
"He looked bewildered for a second, then took off empty-handed.
"When I told my husband about it afterwards, he said: 'These monkeys are tweetalig.
They're terrified of a wilde vrou.'"
Yes, there's a lot to be said for command of a second language. Up in Zululand long
ago, somebody taught me bits of monkey language – making those squishy sounds
with your cheeks.
They stop and look at you. Make the alarm sound for a snake and they are electrified
and just scarper.
But it's not easy and you have to get it exactly right. These days when I try the snake
alarm sound they just roll about laughing as if I'm doing Groucho Marx impressions.
Next time I'll try Voetsak!
Alternative
OF COURSE there's a technical alternative to linguistics in getting rid of vervets.
You get yourself a green laser torch and shine the beam on the male's blue bits.
They turn bright turquoise and the entire troop then scamper away in consternation
and confusion.
The method has been approved by the SPCA.
Defeat?
IS THIS final defeat for the tobacco lobby? The American manufacturers of
Camel cigarettes – once the ultimate in masculine cool – have banned smoking
from its offices and buildings.
Next they'll tell me the breweries are serving only lime juice at their annual
brewer's breakfast; that the gals who jump out of the cake will be wearing
overalls.
But they don't say nuttin' 'bout chewin' tobacco. My spittoon at the Street Shelter
for the Over-Forties remains reserved.
Toffs
THE Tieless Toffs are becoming a feature of the political scene in Britain as an
election edges closer.
The Labour people all wear ties when they appear on TV. So do the UKIP people
– aka the Hysteria Party because they want "independence". So do the Liberal
Democrats, most of the time.
But Tory Prime Minister David Cameron and his fellow Old Etonians are determined
to present a proletarian image. They appear tieless, their limp collars looking
embarrassingly naff.
Somebody should arrange the services of a decent tailor from Grey Street, Durban.
Safari suits for the Tories would have them taking the election by storm.
Money's worth
TOURISTS in Hollywood got their money's worth the other day as Mr Incredible
and Batgirl traded blows on the Walk of Fame, Batgirl eventually drawing blood
with her fingernails.
Chewbacca and Freddy Krueger tried ineffectually to break up the brawl,
assisted by Wally (of the Where's Wally children's books).
Mr Incredible landed a punch on Batgirl, who went sprawling. Then bystanders
intervened.
The trouble started when Batgirl and Mr Incredible hustled for getting
photographed with the same group of tourists. The costumed Superhero
figures are a feature of the Walk of Fame and pose in return to cash.
Conundrum
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "It's amazing. They want
you to drink eight glasses of water a day, and that's impossible. But eight beers and
you've just got started."
Tailpiece
"I'M afraid I've caught poetry."
"I once had short stories."
"When did that happen?"
"Oh, once upon a time ..."
Last word
Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.
Norman Douglas
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