It's Santa Claus
CHRISTMAS starts early in Australia. Police are looking for a man dressed as
Santa Claus after he robbed a post office.
He entered the post office in the Melbourne suburb of Oak Park, dressed in the
familiar red Santa outfit and with flowing white beard,
He demanded money from a female teller, jumping up on to the counter to scoop
it himself into a red Santa sack.
Then he ran outside and made his escape in a cream-coloured jeep.
Ho, ho, ho!
Croc kissing
RECENT discussion of kissing alligators and crocodiles stirs the
muse in a Hillcrest reader (not Ian Gibson, the poet laureate) who
wishes to remain anonymous.
A couple on tour for wild life,
Saw two crocs at a murky old pond.
Said the man to his wife,
It is the female of whom I am fond.
I love her sweet smile,
So I'll go closer a while
And plant a good kiss on her.
But his nervous advances kept missing her,
Until, with a snap of his jaw, and a throaty guffaw,
The other whipped the man to the floor.
He then said, with a crafty old smile,
'You must never beguile, us crocs of the Nile,
I assume you are Henry and I thought you were Kissinger.'
Lighthouse keeper
DOES anyone remember John Joseph Murphy who long ago was
the lighthouse keeper at Cape St Lucia (which is at Mapelane,
some way south of St Lucia estuary)?
His great-grandson, Mick Murphy, is at St Lucia on holiday right
now and would very much like to trace any relatives and find out
more about his great-grand-dad.
John Joseph is believed to have had five children – four girls and a
boy. The boy – also called John Joseph – was a boilermaker with
the railways but then went to England and was Mick's grandfather.
The girls are believed to have stayed in South Africa, and the
names of any descendants obviously would not be Murphy.
Mick would appreciate any help from readers.
Priorities
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener remarks in his latest
grumpy newsletter that the most poignant remark to be aired
about the comet landing event last week was a plea to "Jacob and
Angie" to at least fix the schools so that our children could learn to
read.
Yes, that gap. Deep space flight dynamics could come later.
"Watching real rocket scientists at work was a deeply emotional
experience. It was only when prodded by their fussing and anxious
PR staff that they reluctantly faced the cameras and explained
to the public - their paymasters - what was happening. Everyone
was simply anxious to return to work and apply their enormous
personal skills and expertise to the team effort.
"What a contrast to what is happening elsewhere in the world
where ignorance, dogma and superstition are being celebrated
and died for."
Dillerisms
SOME of the collected wisdom of American comedienne Phyllis
Diller:
• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is
like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.
• The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them
would never wear the same outfit in public.
• Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I
accidentally poured gin in the steam iron.
• I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives 40
miles away.
Tailpiece
ON HIS way home, he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He stops off at
the mall and goes to a toyshop.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?"
"Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes To The Gym – R39.95; Barbie Goes
To The Ball – R39.95; Barbie Goes Shopping – R39.95; Barbie Goes To The
Beach – R39.95; Barbie Goes Nightclubbing – R39.95; and Divorced Barbie –
R465."
"Why Divorced Barbie for R465 when the rest are R39.95?"
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's
furniture, Ken's best friend ..."
Last word
Television has raised writing to a new low.
Samuel Goldwyn
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