March of the barflies
THE fellows at the end of the bar are on the march – in Britain
anyway.
These fellows are always worth listening to. They have the
soundest ideas on the issues of the day – the economy,
international terrorism, tensions in the Ukraine, anything – and
what the government and others should be doing about them.
As the evening wears on, their ideas become increasingly brilliant
– airdrops, special forces, that kind of thing – and eloquently
expressed.
Then the fellows at the end of the bar go home, have a good
night's sleep, go to work and don't think of the issues again until
they meet up again that evening.
That's how it's always been – until now. Ukip – United Kingdom
Independence Party – personifies the fellows at the end of the
bar. TV footage of its leader, Nigel Farage, frequently has him
hoisting a pint in a bar. He's your quintessential salt of the earth,
commonsense bloke. Not part of the Westminster bubble or the
Islington lefty intellectuals.
Ukip's logo is the "£" sign in gold, to a backdrop of Episcopalian
purple. Some might have thought the UK already pretty
independent, what with a permanent seat on the UN Security
Council etc, but Ukip want a breakaway from the European Union.
All this is prime fodder for the fellows at the end of the bar. But
Ukip has suddenly won two by-elections, taking votes in fine style
from the Tories, Labour and the Liberal Democrats. The fellows
are now 24/7 as the fashionable saying has it. The fellows are on
the march – but whither?
Watch this space!
Local attitudes
AND what of our own fellows at the end of the bar? Preliminary
research at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties reveals the
following:
• The Boks need to prune the World Cup squad of geriatrics.
• Shakes Mashaba is absolutely right to ignore the dilettantes
who are playing overseas.
• The Proteas need to get the itchy-powder out of their
jockstraps if they're to have a hope in the ODI World Cup.
• Striptease would be an acceptable bar entertainment
between match screenings – so long as the strippers are not
recruited from habitue damsels.
• Politics? The parliamentary channel should switch to cage-
fighting – it's more genteel and a lot more intelligent.
Cut and thrust
MORE exchanges from the American courts:
• Attorney: "What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?"
Witness: "He said: 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
• Attorney: "What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?"
Witness: "Gucci Sweats and Reeboks."
• Attorney: "Are you Sexually Active?"
Witness:" No, I just lie there."
• Attorney: "What is your date of birth?
Witness: "July 18th."
Attorney: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
• Attorney: " So the date of conception was August
8th?
Witness: "Yes."
Attorney: "And what were you doing at that time?"
Witness: "Getting laid."
Benefit gig
LOCAL musos are rallying again to the support of one of their own.
This time it's legend Steve Fataar (of The Flames, in days of yore)
who has been in hospital with lung problems.
They're putting on a benefit show on Thursday at LIVE-THE
VENUE , in Stamford Hill Road, compered by singer/comedian
Graham Boyle.
Also performing will be The Reals, The Hairy-Legged Lentil-Eaters
(from Maritzburg), Spider Murch and a somewhat recovered Steve,
along with his son, Dane.
Tickets are R100 and the doors open at 7pm. Bookings/
information/donations: 083-4534; names@iafrica.com.
Pooh to Winnie
POLITICIANS in the Polish town of Tuszyn are thinking of dropping Winnie the
Pooh as the theme character of a new children's playground because he goes
about half-naked and is of "dubious sexuality" – not a good role model.
Yes, I suppose Winnie eventually had to be found out in this respect, not to
mention his shocking promotion of gluttony – the absolutely endless pursuit of
honey by any nefarious means. Also, he hangs out with some really strange
characters – Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, Eeyore, Kanga, Roo and the Heffalumps.
He's not a sound example for impressionable kids.
Play it safe – stick with Disney.
Tailpiece
Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
To get to the other bride.
Last word
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
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