Talent and wackiness
THE KZNSA Gallery, in Glenwood, is the place to be this
evening for the launch of BuzzArt 2014, a combination of
talent and wackiness if I'm able to judge from an exhibit
I've already had a squint at.
It's a little book by established local artist Andrew Verster,
illustrated by himself of course and decidedly eccentric in
content.
Of This And That (Grapefruit Press) is a collection of
reprised nursery rhymes and pensees, with a distinct
setting of the Berea. Some snippets:
• "Mary Mary Quite Contrary How does your garden grow?"
"Now that you ask, not very well actually. Aphids are eating my Hollyhocks. the
Shasta Daisies have blight and the Zinnias are stunted. Keith Kirsten of Green
With Envy says its all to do with the melting of the polar ice cap. My Aunt Mary
says it is the rise of atheism."
• "I have had an sms from someone I've never heard of called Wanda
Goldwater from Palermo asking if I am looking for CUSTOMISED
MOTORCYCLE MATS. If you know of someone who does, I'll give you the
address."
• "We can land on Mars but we can't get the escalators to work in Musgrave
Centre."
Andrew says the stories come out of nowhere and
everywhere – a chance meeting with a stranger in
Musgrave Centre, a newspaper paragraph, a few words on
a placard, a BBC television morning show guest. Jottings
in his diary and "other people's ideas which I steal and
transform."
Yes, Andrew, I understand exactly what you mean.
Tube talk
SOME Cockney humour – driver announcements made on the
London Underground:
• "Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which
case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction."
• "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from
his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon
as I'm given any."
• "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but
there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are
therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take
our minds off it and pass some time together. All together
now .... Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall ... "
• "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not
encourage these professional beggars. If you have any
spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing
that, give it to me."
• In a very hot rush-hour on the Central Line (and this time in a
West Indian drawl): "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies
and gentlemen ... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
• "Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause).
"Please move all belongings away from the doors." (Pause).
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit
wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down,
Four-Eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them where the
sun don't shine!"
• "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of
the carriage."
Nkandla again
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on last week's debacle in parliament..
Our democratic institution called parliament,
Was the scene of loud voices in argument;
But if you look for the cause,
You don't have to pause -
Its all about the Nkandla emolument.
Tailpiece
THREE tourists go into a pub in the Scottish highlands. They order a round of whiskies.
"That'll be ninepence."
"Önly ninepence?"
"It's a special, sir. This pub is 200 years old today. We're selling at 1814 prices for the day."
The visitors notice they're the only ones at the bar. A whole lot of locals are sitting on
benches, watching.
"Why aren't they taking advantage of this amazing offer?"
"They're waitin' for Happy 'Oor."
Last word
What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever
mentioned it.
Margot Asquith
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