Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Idler, Friday, November 21

Talent and wackiness

THE KZNSA Gallery, in Glenwood, is the place to be this 

evening for the launch of BuzzArt 2014, a combination of 

talent and wackiness if I'm able to judge from an exhibit 

I've already had a squint at.

It's a little book by established local artist Andrew Verster, 

illustrated by himself of course and decidedly eccentric in 

content.

Of This And That (Grapefruit Press) is a collection of 

reprised nursery rhymes and pensees, with a distinct 

setting of the Berea. Some snippets:

• "Mary Mary Quite Contrary How does your garden grow?" 

"Now that you ask, not very well actually. Aphids are eating my Hollyhocks. the 

Shasta Daisies have blight and the Zinnias are stunted. Keith Kirsten of Green 

With Envy says its all to do with the melting of the polar ice cap. My Aunt Mary 

says it is the rise of atheism." 

• "I have had an sms from someone I've never heard of called Wanda 

Goldwater from Palermo asking if I am looking for CUSTOMISED 

MOTORCYCLE MATS. If you know of someone who does, I'll give you the 

address."

• "We can land on Mars but we can't get the escalators to work in Musgrave 

Centre."

Andrew says the stories come out of nowhere and 

everywhere – a chance meeting with a stranger in 

Musgrave Centre, a newspaper paragraph, a few words on 

a placard, a BBC television morning show guest. Jottings 

in his diary and "other people's ideas which I steal and 

transform."

Yes, Andrew, I understand exactly what you mean.

      

Tube talk

SOME Cockney humour – driver announcements made on the 

London Underground:

• "Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your 

service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of 

course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which 

case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in 

the opposite direction."

• "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller 

suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from 

his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon 

as I'm given any."

•  "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but  

there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are 

therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take 

our minds off it and pass some time together. All together 

now .... Ten green bottles, hanging on the wall ... "

•  "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do not 

encourage these professional beggars. If you have any 

spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing 

that, give it to me."

• In a very hot rush-hour on the Central Line (and this time in a 

West Indian drawl): "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies 

and gentlemen ... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

•  "Please move all baggage away from the doors. (Pause). 

"Please move all belongings away from the doors." (Pause). 

"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit 

wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, 

Four-Eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the 

door before I come down there and shove them where the 

sun don't shine!"

• "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking 

allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are 

smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of 

the carriage."

Nkandla again

IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on last week's debacle in parliament..

Our democratic institution called parliament,

Was the scene of loud voices in argument;

But if you look for the cause,

You don't have to pause -

Its all about the Nkandla emolument.

Tailpiece

THREE tourists go into a pub in the Scottish highlands. They order a round of whiskies.

"That'll be ninepence."

"Önly ninepence?"

"It's a special, sir. This pub is 200 years old today. We're selling at 1814 prices for the day."

The visitors notice they're the only ones at the bar. A whole lot of locals are sitting on 

benches, watching.

"Why aren't they taking advantage of this amazing offer?"

"They're waitin' for Happy 'Oor."

Last word

What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever 

mentioned it. 

Margot Asquith

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