Things liven up
AIRPORTS are terribly tedious... the standing around peering at information
boards, the incessant barely audible PA announcements and the gnawing anxiety
about where the baggage will fetch up.
But in Terminal C at Logan Airport, Boston, Massachusetts, the other day things
livened up a little. It started in the ladies' loo where a naked man suddenly fell
through the ceiling, causing some startlement.
Then he rushed out and attacked an 84-year-old man, biting his ear and trying to
choke him with his own cane.
What would be his next lark? High-kick dancing on the luggage carousel?
But before he could get any further, the Massachusetts state troopers pounced
and overpowered him. He's to appear in court on charges of attempted murder,
mayhem, assault and battery, malicious destruction of property and committing a
lewd and lascivious act.
Astonishing what some people will do to break the tedium of an airport.
In session
NO NAMES, no packdrill but a judge of the old Natal Supreme Court once found his
own way to break the tedium.
He arrived in Johannesburg on a Sunday from overseas, to find he had a four-hour
wait for his connecting flight to Durban. In those days the pubs were all closed on a
Sunday.
Then he remembered that he had in his hand luggage a bottle of the finest French
cognac, bought the other end in the duty-free shop.
The learned judge found a paper cup and took himself to the gents' where he found
a chair. He poured himself a decent shot of cognac, topped it up with a dash of water
from the tap in the handbasin, then settled down in his chair with a newspaper.
A fellow came out of one of the cubicles, washed his hands then, as he passed the
judge, plonked a R2 coin on the marble surface beside him.
The learned judge touched his forelock in gratitude.
It kept happening. Four hours later the judge left the gents' to catch his flight, warm
and woozy and jingling quite a bit of cash in his pocket. It beat the hell out of handing
down appeal judgments, he always said.
Lagos
THE only airport I've known to totally lack tedium is the internal airport in Lagos.
Nigeria is a big country so the Lagos internal airport is nothing like Durban's
Virginia. It handles large aircraft of Airbus dimensions and passenger volumes are in
proportion.
The place seethes with commotion, very much like railway stations in India. Vendors
are everywhere, hawking fruit and other things. Nigerian fatcats in robes and turbans
sit back at ease having their toenails clipped by urchins.
Then comes the boarding procedure. You buy your ticket but no seats are allocated.
When the flight opens for boarding, a giant scrum forms at the gates then bursts out
onto the apron. Gifted sprinters make it up the aircraft steps unmolested, but as the
mass arrives another scrum forms at the foot of the steps.
This becomes a wrestling match, step by step, as you fight your way up toward the
cabin. It's quite an ordeal as most of these Nigerians are pretty big fellows.
Then at last you're in – and the plane is two-thirds empty.
No, there's not much airport tedium in Lagos. A fellow could drop naked through the
ceiling of the ladies' loo and nobody would notice.
Candy
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "You say your wedding
day was the best of your life? You obviously never had two candy bars fall down
at once from a vending machine."
Noise abatement
VENICE has banned tourists trundling their wheeled suitcases about its cobbled
streets. The noise disturbs the peace and quiet, the city authorities say. And as
Venice gets millions of tourists a year, that's a lot of suitcases and a lot of noise.
From next year they'll have to either carry their suitcases or fit them with
soundless wheels – rubber, preferably inflated.
Yes, but be fair! What about those gondoliers continually disturbing the peace
with their arias and their strumming of ukuleles?
Tailpiece
RETIREMENT home dialogue:
"In our 56 years of marriage, Dear, have you ever considered divorce?"
"Divorce? Never! But murder – frequently!"
Last word
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Sir Winston Churchill
No comments:
Post a Comment