Naked car guards?

A LASS who calls herself Sally B, of Pinetown, asks if the car guards will also be naked at the nudist 

beach down the South Coast?

"Where will they keep their tips? Perhaps in a strategically placed moon-bag?"

My understanding, Sally, is that the car guards will indeed be nude. So will the lifeguards, the ice cream 

vendors and the deck chair attendants. If the police should find a need to visit the beach, they too will 

have to strip. The sersant will have his stripes tattooed on his arm.

There's also a move in the Hibiscus Coast municipality to compel golfers at the links courses in the 

district to strip down before they tee off. The clubhouse barmaids will be nude.

Drivers on that stretch of South Coast highway will be ticketed should they be caught wearing clothes. 

The same applies to their passengers. Highway patrols will, of course, be riding starkers on Harley 

Davidsons. Vroom, vroom!

When you do a thing like this, you need to do it properly.

Lotto bonanza

A HABITUE of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties thought the other day he'd hit it big on the Lotto.

He went to a garage shop to have his tickets run through their computer. He was served by a bright 

young lad with "TRAINEE" emblazoned across his chest.

The trainee ran his tickets through the computer: "No winning ticket ... no winning ticket ... no winning 

ticket ..."

Then suddenly he uttered a whoop: "WINNING TICKET!" He went dancing about the shop, waving the 

ticket. Others joined in the commotion. People came in from the petrol pumps to see what was going on.

The winnings: R22. It was the first time this trainee had handled a ticket that won anything at all.

Cats' eyes

PETER Quantock, of Empangeni, wants to know what it is that determines the shape of the pupils in 

the eyes of the cat family.

Large cats, like lions, have round pupils, he says. Small cats, like the kitty on the hearthrug, have 

vertical slits for pupils.

"What determines this? Is it the size of the animal or simply a developmental genetic difference."

I don't know, Peter, I don't gaze much into the eyes of lions (though I did gaze into the eyes of a tigress 

the other night at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties – but that's another story).

Any zoologists out there who could enlighten us?

Profundity

LAST week's Confucianisms remind Aubrey Meier of something his son once said to him:

"I would much prefer to have a full bottle in front of me, than a full frontal lobotomy".

Yes, profound indeed.

Homespun

LET'S get folksy. A reader sends in a collection of the witticisms of Will Rogers, 

the Cherokee who became a cowboy, vaudeville performer, movie actor, syndicated 

columnist, humorist and social commentator.

• Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

• There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• Always drink upstream from the herd.

• If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

• There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by 

observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

• If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still 

there.

• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

• Never squat with yo' spurs on.

Yep, homespun wisdom.

Tailpiece

IT'S pouring with rain and there's a huge puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old 

man is standing there with a fishing rod, a line in the water.

"What are you doing?"a kindly fellow asks.

"Fishing."

"Cone inside, I'll buy you a whisky."

They're standing at the bar, sipping.

"How many have you caught?"

"You're the eighth."

Last word

Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo. 

Robert Byrne