The Idler, Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Ale to the Chief

PRESIDENT Barack Obama wouldn't have enjoyed the Prohibition era. It turns out he brews his own beer at the White House.

In fact he has been taking his honey beer on the campaign trail with him, offering it around. Such a hit has it been that people have been demanding the recipe. One guy even filed a freedom of information request.

Now the White House have come clean with the recipe. In a blog post titled "Ale to the Chief" it's revealed that the main ingredients are light malt extract, amber crystal malt, honey, gypsum, yeast and corn sugar.

The beer is actually brewed by the White House assistant chef, Sam Kass.

One of the oldest political cliches is that people vote for the person they would most like to have a beer with. President Obama therefore surely has it made. His challenger, Mitt Romney, is a Mormon who does not drink at all.

If Obama wins again, he'll probably set up a Kentucky moonshine still at the White House. Somebody needs to introduce him to the mysteries of mampoer.

Yahoo! Balke toe!

In the wilds

THE PEOPLE of the English county of Essex might as well be living in Umfolozi game reserve. Last week there was panic over a "lion" sighted in a village near Clacton-on-sea. (It turned out to be a cat of a large American domestic breed).Now the world's deadliest snake has turned up there.

A 45 cm saw-scaled viper was found in a container at Tilbury dock, having survived an 8 000 km voyage from India. A snake expert was called to identify and capture the snake, which is now in the South Essex Wildlife Hospital.

The saw-scaled viper is found mainly in India, China, South-East Asia and the Middle East. While not the most venomous snake in the world it is considered the deadliest because of its frequent attacks.

But would it have the courage to bite an Essex Girl?

Spider mission

IN AUSTRALIA meanwhile they're on a mission to milk spiders. The spider is the funnel-web species, which is the world's deadliest. One bite and a human can be dead in hours unless injected with the anti-venom.

The problem is, anti-venom supplies are running low and anti-venom is produced from the venom. So the authorities have appealed to the public to catch funnel web spiders and supply them to the laboratories so they can be milked for their venom.

It sounds a chancy business. The funnel-webs live on the eastern seaboard of Australia and like moist, humid conditions. So far they haven't turned up in Essex.

Show respect

LABEL on a bottle: "Do not let this bottle serve as an inspiration to call your ex in a pathetic attempt to get back together. Some very fine grapes have died in the making of this wine. Show some respect."

Tailpiece

AN 80-YEAR-OLD Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape he's in and asks: "How do you stay in such great physical condition?" "I'm Scottish and I'm a golfer. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it." "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?" "Who says ma faither's deed?" "You mean you're 80 and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?" "He's 100. In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he's still alive. He's a Scot and a golfer too." "That is great, but I am sure there's more to it. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" "Who says ma Grandad's deed?" "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old is he?"   "He's 118."   "So I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" "No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin'. He was awa' to the kirk tae be gettin' married." "Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old want to get married?"   "Who says he wanted tae?"

 

 

 

Last word

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. - John H Patterson