Chocolate biccy economics
IT'S TIME we took a serious look at economics. What of the decision to keep the bank interest rates unchanged? Why? Fortunately we have available the grumpy newsletter of investment analyst Dr James Greener.
"The worthies attending the Monetary Policy Committee meeting in Pretoria were apparently about to consider reducing the price of money by 50 basis points (that is, cutting the repo rate by half a percent) when the tea lady appeared with an extra packet of chocolate digestives.
"In a flash, while someone was tearing off cellophane, it was agreed to leave the rate unchanged, downgrade the estimate of GDP growth for this year and next and send Governor Marcus out to tell the press. She returned to an empty committee room and crumbs."
There you have it. Meanwhile, Dr Greener also looks at the President's adjusted salary.
"It was announced that the President's basic salary will now be R218 546 per month. Not only is this a rather odd number but after tax it must be a real struggle to keep the uxorial entourage in dresses and lipsticks.
"No wonder we are unable to attract any real managerial skills into applying for the job and it looks as if the Bloemfontein conference will have no choice but to grant JZ a second term. After all, one of the possible alternative candidates was spotted paying around R18 million for a buffalo recently – that's not going to be easy on a presidential salary. Unless of course he can work something out with the so-called 'spousal support unit'."
Falconry
WHEN Ian Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, sends in prose, you can be sure it's serious. And sure enough it's serious.
Last week's suggestion from the South Coast that crowned eagles should be used to control vervet monkeys has caused a frisson up in Hillcrest, he says.
"Here a young female crowned eagle has taken to attacking small dogs, one being devoured in front of its owner. Now an attempt is being made to capture the eagle.
"KZN Wildlife and the Natal Falconry Club have arranged permits for this purpose. When or if captured, the bird will be trained to hunt monkeys on a mealie farm."(Do you think Ian is having us on here?)
He says the young bird's dog-hunting habits are caused by having been fed by a local resident - something he should not have done. The bird's blameless parents live in the Hillcrest Nature Reserve.
Well, there we have it - Hillcrest poised to embark on falconry. Ian will no doubt keep us up to date, future information conveyed in iambic pentameters.
Leopards
MEANWHILE, I am accosted at the Street Shelter for the Over-40s by an habitué who insists that crowned eagles are no real answer to the problem of vervet monkeys. The only answer, he says, is leopard dung, preferably with monkey bones in it.
Monkeys have regular approach routes to gardens, he says, and this is where the leopard dung should be placed. (He comes from Mooi River, where they know about such things.)
Monkeys are frightened of crowned eagles, he concedes, but they are absolutely terrified of leopards. Place the leopard dung on the approach routes and the monkey problem disappears instantly.
That's all very well. But the monkey approach routes to my garden consist of a flatcrown, a fever tree, a lokwat tree, a guava tree, two mulberry trees, an avocado pear tree and a mango tree. How do I entice a leopard or two into each of them (let alone to perform their toiletries there). My Street Shelter habitué does not tell me.
And does one really want 16 or so leopards in one's suburban garden? Is this not a problem worse than the monkeys?
I think I prefer the Hillcrest falconry approach – a crowned eagle on the leather-gloved arm. The wenches and varlets of the Street Shelter will be mightily impressed.
Tailpiece
TWO COCKROACHES are munching rubbish in an alley.
First cockroach: "I was in that new restaurant across the street. It's so clean. The kitchen is spotless, everything's gleaming white. It's so sanitary, the whole place shines."
Second cockroach: "Please! Not while I'm eating!"
Last word
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'
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