What about the by-laws?
"A HORSE, a horse, my kingdom for a horse…" Archaeologists digging beneath a car park in Leicester for the remains of Richard III believe a skeleton of a man who had been shot with an arrow could be that of the King of England who died after being unhorsed in the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485.
The skull shows signs of trauma consistent with wounds incurred in battle, and the man also had a curved spine - matching contemporary descriptions of the king as being a "crookback" who had one shoulder higher than the other.
Bones unearthed during the dig have been sent for DNA testing to see if it matches the DNA of a Canadian-born man known to be a direct descendant of Richard III.
Richard is thought to have been buried in Leicester after the battle, beneath the Church of the Grey Friars. (His defeat saw the rise of the Tudor line). A team from the University of Leicester has been excavating the site in recent weeks.
Amazing what they can do with DNA these days. And its as amazing in its own way that the burial site of the last of the Plantagenet kings of England should end up as a parking lot. It's as if Westminster Abbey were to become a bowling alley.
That descendant of Richard III must watch out that the local council don't hit him with some kind of fine for contravening the by-laws. They take a dim view of people getting buried in parking lots.
The heavies
MOUSTAFA Ismail, of Franklin, Massachusetts, is a muscleman to beat 'em all. The Guinness Book of Records credits him with the world's largest biceps and triceps - a total circumference of 64.8cm (25.5inches), which gives his arms a greater circumference than the average human head.
Professional sumo wrestler Sharran Alexander, from London, is named the world's heaviest sportswoman, weighing in at 203.2kg.
Moustafa and Sharran sound just the pair that is needed to sort out the bother at Marikana mine.
Owlish monkeys
A NEW SPECIES of monkey – the Lesula - has been identified in the Congo. Its face looks very much like an owl's and it lives in a remote forest range where it feeds on leaf stalks, fruit and flower buds.
It keeps very much to itself. It does not raid people's homes for sweets and nuts; it does not dive into swimming pools or raid fruit trees and herb gardens. It does not tease Irish terriers to distraction.
Hmmm. Not at all like our vervets. Should these owlish monkeys not be introduced to Durban where they could at least teach our local species better manners by example? Could they be hired as a sort of monkey mercenary force to keep order in the treetops?
Probably not. These Lesulas are quite clearly intellectuals, no match at all for our hooligan vervets. A luta continhua!
Red wine
OVERHEARD at the Street Shelter for the Over-40s: "Never have red wine with fish. I tried it and my fish died."
Tailpiece
A YOUNG Scots laddie and lassie are sitting on a low stone wall holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushes, leans over and kisses him lightly on the cheek. He blushes. The two again gaze out over the loch.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
She blushes, leans over and cuddles him for a few seconds. He blushes. The two again gaze out over the loch.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
She blushes, takes his hand and puts it on her knee. He blushes. They again gaze out over the loch.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, noo my thoughts are a wee bit more serious."
"Really?" she whispers.
"Aye."
She looks away in shyness and begins to blush furiously. She bites her lip in anticipation.
He adds: "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Last word
A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time.
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