| Dealing with monkeys THERE'S a lot of discussion these days about vervet monkeys and the pest they can become, especially if you feed them. This is, of course, a no-no and you are simply asking for trouble if you do feed them. They'll never go away and they'll come into your house looking for food. And, if cornered inside, they could turn nasty. Yet most suburban gardens do, I'd guess, have fruit trees. These also attract monkeys – it's almost the same thing as feeding them. But are we not allowed to feed the purple-crested loeries, the mousebirds and the barbets? It's a dilemma. I might have discovered a solution to the monkey problem. They've been visiting my property a lot since the demise of my Irish terrier, who used to go hysterical with rage at the very sight of them. They've become insolent, running about the lawn in a way they would never have dared before. The other day they stripped a loquat tree of all its fruit. A bit irritating but fair enough. The monkeys got in ahead of the loeries and mousebirds, that's all. But then they chased the doves and frets off the bird table and started scoffing the seed. This was too much. I clapped my hands. They stared back with insolence. Then I got the garden hose and gave them a jet of cold water. They sprang into the treetops in great confusion. Then I followed them about with the jet as they jumped from branch to branch. That was too much. They skedaddled in shock and indignation. Monkeys are intelligent animals. They remember. This should keep them away. On the other hand, they might next time tip a bucket of water onto me from the roof. I will keep you informed. Floating rocks A MASS of floating volcanic rocks, nearly the size of Belgium, has been discovered off the coast of New Zealand. The light pumice rocks are believed to have come from an undersea volcanic eruption. They were first sighted by the New Zealand air force and have since been investigated by the navy, which says they stretch for about 10 000 square miles like a giant ice shelf. Undersea eruptions, rocks floating suspended in the sea … Hey, perhaps this explains what happened to our submarine that got dinged between Simonstown and Port Elizabeth. Cheek wins WE'RE assured this is an actual job application form filled in by a 17-year-old boy at McDonald's in Florida, in the US. · Sex - Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. · Desired position - Company President or Vice-President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. · Desired salary - $185 000 a year plus stock options and a good severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. · Education - Yes. · Last position held - Target for middle management hostility. · Salary - Less than I'm worth. · Most notable achievement - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. · Reason for leaving - It sucked. · Hours available to work - Any. · Preferred hours - 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. · Do you have any special skills? - Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. · May we contact your current employer? - If I had one, would I be here? · Do you smoke? - On the job no, on my breaks yes. · What would you like to be doing in five years? - Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde supermodel. Actually I'd like to be doing that now. McDonald's liked his cheeky approach. He got the job. |
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Tailpiece
A STRANGE dream. I was in the old West, riding in a stagecoach. A horseman pulled up on the left and a riderless horse pulled up on the right. The rider opened the stagecoach door then jumped off his horse and got into the coach. Then he opened the other door and jumped on the other horse.
I called out: "What's going on?"
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Last word
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. - Herman Wouk
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