The ox-pecker mutation
THEY'VE got problems off the coast of Argentina – the seagulls are eating the whales.
This might sound like the greatest boost to tourism there could be – better than our sardine run - but in fact it's the reverse. The gulls aren't swallowing the whales whole, they're pecking at them as they surface to breathe and creating painful sores. It's a very gradual process, distressing to watch, and it began only relatively recently.
The whales are responding by changing their habits. Instead of the magnificent breachings and tail-shakings that so entrance tourists, they are coming surreptitiously to the surface, taking a quick gulp of air then going down again.
Now police at the Patagonian city of Puerto Madryn have taken to shooting the seagulls from patrol boats. But environmentalists say that's not the answer. The problem began with a huge expansion of the gull population which fed from the open rubbish tips of the city. Get rid of the tips and most of the gulls will disappear, they say.
There was once a similar problem in Namibia when ox-peckers – those little brown birds that eat the ticks on rhino and buffalo – started pecking excessively at local stock farmers' cattle, causing nasty sores.
I can't recall how the veterinary people handled it in the end. Maybe they mutated the ox-peckers into whale-peckers. You meddle with nature at your peril.
High-risk Harry
PRINCE Harry is to go back to Afghanistan to fly an Apache helicopter. The posting has its obvious risks – but nothing compared with Las Vegas.
Old masters
A PAINTING believed to be an original Renoir was bought for $50 at a flea market in the American state of Virginia. It will be auctioned later this month and is expected to fetch $100 000 or more.
Experts think the work is the Paysage Bords De Seine, one of the artist's river scenes painted in Paris. A Renoir plaque on the frame prompted the woman who bought it to have it analysed.
Anne Craner - director of fine arts at the auctioneers - says: "The lady brought it in. She was very excited, but she didn't know. She opened up the bag and straight away it just looked right.It's the colour, it's the vibrant colour, it's the pinks and the purples. Colour is really important with Renoir."
That's some flea market purchase. I was once in a urinal in London when I noticed, sketched on the wall, two small triangles with the inscription: "Balls by Picasso".
I really should have put in an offer.
Wild West show
AMERICAN Wild West stuntman, vaudeville performer, movie actor and newspaper columnist Will Rogers was a man whose earthy humour once captivated the US. He actually spent a couple of years in South Africa in his early days, starring in a Wild West show.
It was a long time ago but some pithy examples of his humour – sent in by a reader – show it's fresh as ever:
· Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
· Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
· There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
· Never miss a good chance to shut up.
· Always drink upstream from the herd.
· If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
· The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
· Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
· If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
· Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
Not bad for a cowpoke.
TAILPIECE
Preacher: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
Congregation: "Amen!"
Preacher: "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
Congregation: "Amen!"
Preacher: "And if I had all the whisky and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."
Congregation: "Amen!"
Deacon: "For our closing hymn, turn to page 126, Hymn 112: 'We shall drink from that river'."
Congregation: "Hallelujah!"
Last word
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due. - William Ralph Inge
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