Lesson from history
HERE'S a history lesson with a moral attached. It's set in the America of 1923.
The president of the largest steel company was Charles Schwab. He died a pauper.
The president of the New York Stock Exchange was Richard Whitney. He went to jail and was released to die at home.
The president of the largest gas company was Edward Hopson. He went insane.
The greatest wheat speculator was Arthur Cooger. He died abroad, penniless.
The Great Bear of Wall Street was Cosabee Livermore. He committed suicide.
However, in that same year 1923 Gene Sarazen, PGA Champion and winner of the US Open, was the first-ever Grand Slam winner. He played golf until he was 92 and died aged 95 – financially secure.
Moral: Avoid work! Stay on the golf course!
Fringe humour
CANADIAN comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe festival.
The joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." (The Beckham couple's children are called Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven).
The other top jokes of the festival:
- Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
- Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
- Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
- Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y."
- Tim Vine (again) - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
- George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
- Stewart Francis (again) - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
- Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: It's not rocket salad."
- Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances."
I'd have given George Ryegold top spot. As for the rest – they're easily pleased in Edinburgh. Tell those gags at a place like the Street Shelter for the Over-40s and you'd get lynched.
Bombs away!
WHO WOULD have thought that Margaret Ambler-Moore, former MP in the Provincial Legislature and doughty veteran of opposition politics, is known as "Bomber"? It's true, she told me so herself.
Who named her thus? Her opponents in the Legislature? And what kind of bomber is she? A Lancaster? Perhaps a terrifying, dive-bombing Stuka? A Stealth bomber? (No, there's nothing stealthy about Margaret.)
But none of these. It turns out she's known as Bomber by her 10-year-old grandson who (Margaret tells me) said to her daughter: "Does Bomber have to come to lunch? All she will do is talk about politics and Dilemma!"
Very perceptive these grandkids. Julius baby might be a dilemma but he's surely the dilemma of Jacob, not Margaret. Why disturb lunch with such issues?
But now it's out that Margaret is known as Bomber, I have to confess I've always wanted to give her a military nickname but didn't have the courage. No, not Bomber – "Tiger Tank." I just thought it would suit her. "Flamethrower" perhaps.
The political struggle grinds on. Howitzer Ambler-Moore. We'll fight them on the beaches!
Bin race
WHEELIEBIN whirl … 60 contestants from Germany, Belgium, Austria and Luxembourg have just raced wheeled garbage cans through the streets of the German town of Hermeskeil to decide the Garbage Can World Cup.
The cup was won for the second year running by Norman Schaefer, a student from Nonnweiler, who completed the downhill course in 21.1 seconds.
Contestants lie flat on their wheeliebins as if they were toboggans, holding the non-wheeled bit from the road surface.
Durban Solid Waste – get practising for next year! Gold awaits!
Tailpiece
Prospective father-in-law: "Young man, can you support a family?"Groom-to-be: "Well, no. I was planning just to support your daughter. I'm afraid the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." |
Last word
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. – Sam Levenson
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