| Heyneke Meyer speaks LOCAL fans are showing some restiveness at the way Patrick Lambie is being left to warm the bench for the Boks while they struggle to achieve breakthrough on the field. What is Heyneke Meyer about? However, a reader sends in an interception of a communication between Meyer and Lambie and it seems only fair that the full the story should be aired. "I know you are cheesed off, Patrick. But it all comes down to experience. You only have 13 Test caps. I know you have 35 Super Rugby caps and have scored 344 Super Rugby points but that doesn't count. Your 22 Currie Cup caps are also fairly irrelevant. How many Bulls caps do you have?
"I prefer to leave you on the bench. You look like you could do with another 80 minutes of 'chill time' as you youngsters call it. While there, take the time to read my game plan because after watching you in Super Rugby it is clear that you just don't get it.
"You persist in attacking the gainline. Now anyone who knows anything about rugby knows that the best form of attack is defence. So kick the ball to the opposition and do some defending, man! It's pretty simple. Zane can explain.
"Another thing is this 'tackling at the ankles'. You really need to stop. Who is going to kick the next up-and-under if you're getting involved in the dirty work? Beast Mtawarira?
"So now you know what you need to work on. Sit back and relax and watch Morne's masterclass." That explains it then. Phew! For a while I was worried. Satnav girl DOES anyone else wince a bit at the peremptory tones of the Satnav girl? A reader who identifies himself only as Dave sends in a bit of verse that he says reminds him exactly of his own little lady. I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed! Despite all these advantages And my tendency to scoff, I do wish that once in a while I could turn the damned thing off. | | | |
Demagogue
IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on Julius Malema's contribution to the Marikana controversy:
Our roving demagogue called Julius,
Visits hotspots with intentions predaceous;
Urges miners to revolt,
Says the President's a dolt,
And makes nationalisation demands outrageous.
Tailpiece
PENSIONERS Joe and Jeannie come out of a shop to find a cop writing out a parking ticket.
"Hey, give a guy a break!" says Joe, but the cop just keeps on writing.
"Is this guy deaf or is he just a moron?" says Jeannie.
The cop glares and starts writing out another ticket for worn tyres.
"It's his way of compensating for being an imbecile of low self-esteem," says Joe.
"A pathetic damned fool!" says Jeannie.
The cop starts writing a ticket for worn windscreen wiper blades. But just then their bus arrives and they climb aboard.
"We pensioners have to have our fun," says Jeannie. "But sometimes I feel a bit mean."
"Nah! Anyone with a 'Support Julius Malema!' sticker on his car deserves all he gets."
Last word
Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I may remember. Involve me and I will understand. - Confucius
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