Sound and colour
THE SWIRLING notes of Tchaikovsky … the stirring prose of Tolstoy … the splendid uniforms of the Grande Armee … the Carabiniers, the Cuirassiers … and the Cossacks.
Two hundred years ago today the Russians and the French fought the Battle of Borodino, in which Napoleon's invading army lost about a third of its strength and never recovered. The surviving French forces were eventually cut down by Russia's brutal winter, the remnants constantly harried by the pursuing Russians.
It inspired Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture and was glorified in Tolstoy's War and Peace. Borodino has now been re-enacted in a spectacular set-piece in period military costume and equipment costing the equivalent of about R10 million, President Vladimir Putin an enthusiastic onlooker.
The Borodino re-enactment crowned weeks of celebrations that kicked off on August 12 when 23 Cossacks on horseback began a two-month ride to Paris.
In the words of Russian writer and popular historian Vitaly Dymarsky, the Borodino celebration marks "a glorious page in Russian history … Russia's national peculiarity is its sense of being a fortress under siege, of being surrounded by external enemies …"
Yes, one gets what he means. We don't have to worry too much these days about the fellows with snow on their boots – they're kind of onside if a bit extreme – but it's stirring times they're celebrating.
Albert Hall
I ONCE shared a flat in London with a Tchaikovsky enthusiast. When the season came around he would hire a box at the Royal Albert Hall and invite all his friends along. He would take with him a bottle of whisky and by the time it got to the 1812 Overture, he would be standing at the edge of the box, conducting the orchestra with real passion. I think his life's ambition was to join one of the guards regiment bands just to be able fire the cannon.
I don't know if he ever emulated Tolstoy's character Dolokhov, who downed a bottle of rum standing on a sloping third-storey windowsill, but he was heading that way. Some people take Borodino very seriously.
Nazdarovja!
Same fate
HOW HISTORY repeats itself. Hitler met with very much the same fate as Napoleon – defeated by the brutal Russian winter and the ferocious harrying of the Russian forces. And – astonishingly – when he invaded on June 22, 1941, it was 129 years to the day since Napoleon had done the same.
Giant burger
AN AMERICAN casino has claimed a new world record for the biggest ever burger.
The mammoth bacon cheeseburger was cooked up and served by the Black Bear Casino near Carlton, in Minnesota.
It was 3m in diameter and weighed 914kg. It contained 27kg of bacon, 23kg of lettuce, 23kg of sliced onions, 18kg of pickles and 18kg of cheese and took four hours to cook. A crane was used to flip it.
Oi, waiter! I said no pickles!
All smiles
YOU LEARN something new every day. At the Street Shelter for the Over 40s the other evening, I got into conversation with a visiting French academic. We got around to discussing the charms of the local ladies, and he taught me something most useful – the French expression for the female cleavage: sourire jusqu'à la poitrine. It means "the smile until the lungs".
What a wonderfully descriptive thing. Come summer, the ladies will be all smiles. As ever, the Street Shelter is a leader in cosmopolitan sophistication.
Wine notes
THE SECRET of enjoying a bottle of good wine.
Open the bottle to allow the wine to breathe. If it shows no sign of breathing, proceed with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
Tailpiece
AN ELDERLY gent struggles out of his seat as a woman boards the crowded bus, but she pushes him back down into it. "Patronising old fool, we women look after ourselves these days!" As another woman comes on board he gets to his feet again but is pushed down again. "Male chauvinist pig!" she hisses. Yet another woman comes on board and he again gets to his feet but is pushed down again. "You're in the stone age, grandpa!"
"For pity's sake! I've missed three stops already! I'm just trying to get off the bus!"
Last word
Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion. - Robertson Davies
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