The bounty-hunters
NOW HERE'S a wheeze. Make a citizen's arrest of Tony Blair when he visits South Africa later this month and you stand to be paid a bounty of R30 000 by an organisation in London.
All you have to do is place your hand gently but firmly on his elbow or shoulder and say: "Mr Blair, this is a citizen's arrest for a crime against peace, namely your decision to launch an unprovoked war against Iraq. I am inviting you to accompany me to a police station to answer the charge."
You don't even need to succeed in getting him to the copshop. All you have to do is try, plus get it reported in one of the local papers. This sounds like money for jam. I never did like the little twerp anyway, especially not since he introduced Britain's ghastly celebrity culture to No 10 Downing Street.
The bounty money has been collected by an organisation called Arrest Blair. Anyone attempting a citizen's arrest, anywhere in the world, is paid a quarter of the pot. Three people have already been paid out.
Why their citizens' arrests failed is not clear. Maybe Cherie whacked them with her handbag and he escaped. But when we get together a posse down at the Street Shelter for the Over-40s, we'll make sure everything's covered. We'll include the La Bella Babes – a tough five-a-side women's football team – to provide the necessary muscle.
Unfortunately Blair won't be coming to Durban, he'll be attending some sort of leadership summit in Sandton. So we'll have to take our posse up Van Reenen's Pass. But that's nothing. Once we confront him in Sandton, we'll have him in the Braamfontein police cells before he knows it.
Our planning is thorough. The La Bella Babes will be there to block any attempt by Blair to sprint into the Ecuadorean embassy. We've got all bases covered.
Call us the Berea bounty-hunters. Money for jam!
Cave robbers
ARACHNOPHOBIA is a fear of spiders. Here's something to add to the anxieties of the arachnophobics. Scientists in California have discovered a large new spider which they describe as "a fierce predator".
The Trogloraptor (it means "Cave Robber" – and how's that to make the arachnophobics jump?) has spectacular, elongate claws and is found in the Pacific north-west region of America.
According to the California Academy of Sciences: "Their extraordinary raptorial claws suggest that they are fierce, specialised predators, but their prey and attack behaviour remain unknown."
Arachnophobics, does this make your flesh creep? I guess it does. But let's be level-headed.
Those scientists seem to be guessing. They themselves say the Trogloraptors' prey and attack behaviour remain unknown. Are they just trying to frighten us?
For all we know, those spectacular elongate claws might be used for gathering gooseberries. The Trogloraptor might make a better pet than a hamster.
Let's have a bit more scientific rigour. Why saddle a possibly perfectly innocent spider with a reputation as a terrifying cave robber?
What's that you say? There's no such thing as a perfectly innocent spider? Hmmm. You arachnophobes can be difficult.
Hat-trick?
WHEN Vernon Philander takes the cherry against Australia in November, will he be on a hat-trick?
He took wickets with his last two balls at Lord's. It's possible to get a hat-trick between two innings in the same match. But is it possible for a hat-trick to reach into another match against entirely different opponents? What if Philander takes another wicket with his first ball against the Aussies?
Any statisticians out there who can enlighten us?
Connection
MATT Prior was rightfully judged England's most outstanding player after the Lord's Test and went up to receive his award.
Hashim Amla was just as rightfully judged our most outstanding. He also went up for his award.
The awards were from Investec, originally a South African company. Prior lived in South Africa until the age of 11. Amla is a South African, of course. As they say: Hands across the sea.
Tailpiece
HOW DO YOU spot an Irishman at a cockfight?
He enters a duck.
How do you spot a Pole at a cockfight?
He puts money on the duck.
How do you spot an Italian at a cockfight?
The duck wins.
Last word
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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