Mars exploration - latest
NASA'S rover exploration vehicle on Mars is going about the place sniffing the atmosphere, digging in the dirt and sending back photographs. Fascinating stuff, no doubt, but where is it getting us?
Stargazing correspondent Richard Siedle brings us up to date on the latest and answers some of the questions.
Why, he asks rhetorically, is mankind going to so much trouble and expense to explore Mars and other planets? He cites astrophysicist Carl Sagan.
"While Mars has limited oxygen, no liquid water and high ultraviolet flux, all these problems could be solved if we could make more air. With higher atmospheric pressures, liquid water would be possible. With oxygen we might breathe the atmosphere, the ozone would form to shield the surface from solar ultraviolet radiation.
"This could be achieved if we find a way to vaporise the polar ice caps by heating them. The best way, Sagan says, would be by planting dark coloured plants such as lichens on the polar caps, which would root and multiply until the polar caps are covered.
"The ice will then slowly melt and irrigation canals could be built for the water to flow into the barren regions and slowly the surface of Mars could be transformed into a habitable environment.
"I don't know what Nasa are thinking about but this is a fantastic thought especially if our own world becomes too polluted due to global warming and overcrowding."
It's good to know the thing is not aimless; that Nasa have a concrete plan. But surely they need somebody to oversee on the spot and report back on this no doubt protracted process of lichens melting the polar icecaps on Mars.
Who better than Ju-Ju? He seems to be at a bit of a loose end these days.
Monkey war
THE WAR ON monkeys ebbs and flows like a Tolstoy novel. One reader tells me I'm wasting my time squirting the garden hose at them because they love water; they actually perform swallow dives into her pool and swim lengths doing butterfly, Australian crawl and backstroke.
Now Hettie Crous tells me I'm doing exactly the right thing. She herself squirted her monkeys with the garden hose. It took a long time but eventually they got the message and they now give her garden a miss.
Garden hoses, bagpipes, Irish terriers. A luta continhua!
Gripe sheets
PILOTS fill out a form called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells aircraft mechanics about problems. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs. The pilots review the Gripe Sheet before the next flight.
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (P) and the solutions recorded (S).
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Tailpiece
A MIND reader is at a nightclub and jots down the thoughts of the musicians in the band.
Lead guitarist: "Wow! Look at all those chicks! Must chat some of them up in my break."
Drummer: "Wow! Look at all the people! Lotsa boodle tonight!"
Keyboard player: "These other three idiots don't realise what a genius I am."
Bass player: "C … G …C … G … C … G …"
Last word
Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.
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