Durban has a Plan B
THE CITY faces crisis. What happens if the Metro Police actually go out on strike over the grievances they complain of? Do the council have a Plan B?
Fortunately they do. I've had exclusive access to a file labelled "Policing: Contingency Plan".
It seems a special force is to be raised to patrol the streets of Durban in the absence of the Metro men. Negotiations with the Hell's Angels are well advanced to put together a special Harrier Force that will specialise in stopping vehicles at peak traffic times, abusing and slapping the occupants.
They will be backed up by another squad of temporary parolees from Westville Prison high security wing. Then, should the strike turn out to be unduly protracted, a Reserve Force supplied by the Somali Pirates (landward division) will be brought into play.
"We're leaving nothing to chance," said a council spokesman. "The people of Durban can rest assured that they will not be abandoned. Control is the name of the game. We will have controlled anarchy in this city."
Asked if it were true that an organisation calling itself the Third Reich Veterans Chapter of South America had also offered its services, he said such an organisation had indeed written in, saying its speciality was kicking in plateglass windows.
"But we had to turn them down. They were just too old. Their leader, a Herr Schickelgruber, sent in a photograph of himself leading a parade in Quito, capital of Ecuador. But he turned out to be a very old man with a funny moustache, doing the goosestep in a zimmer frame, with a few other old codgers following him.
"The spirit might be there but they're just too old and decrepit to stand in for the Metro Police. We're in negotiations with some Japanese sumo wrestlers instead and some neo-Nazis from eastern Europe."
It's reassuring that the citizens of Durban are not being abandoned. There will be no vacuum on our streets.
Revolting rat
A SABRE-TOOTHED rat has been discovered in remote rainforest on the Indonesian island of Sulawesi.
The rodent has been named paucidentomys vermidax. It has fang-like upper incisors, that are useless for gnawing, and no back teeth. It lives exclusively on earthworms. It has a rat's tail, a long, thin nose similar to a shrew's and its only teeth are incisors which are in the upper jaw and end in twin points. It can't chew its food.
With all due respect to paucidentomys vermidax, it sounds rather a revolting creature. One recoils from the notion of its sucking earthworms from the ground and swallowing them without chewing. May it remain in the rainforest of Sulawesi and not make its way into our pet shops.
It sounds almost as revolting as the Bluff leguaan. This loathsome creature of the bush has long feelers. When it crawls onto a porch and jumps onto the bed of a sleeping victim, it inserts the feelers into his nostrils and sucks his brains out.
Some people are unkind enough to say this accounts for the average IQ on the Bluff. But I make no comment.
Sporty stuff
SOME extracts from live sports broadcasts:
· Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm-up and it was amazing."
· Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
· Paul Hamm, gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
· Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
· Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
· Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
Tailpiece
A LAWYER is on a visit to the countryside. Suddenly he finds he's standing in the middle of a huge cowpat. He yells: "Help me! Help me!"
His wife: What's the matter?"
"I'm melting, I'm melting!"
Last word
The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish. – Robert Jackson
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