Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Idler, Monday, September 10, 2012

A guid Scots fry-up

DIETICIANS don't recommend it, but in Aberdeenshire you can buy a unique Scottish delicacy – the deep-fried Mars bar. For 20 years, the chocolate bar has been fried in the same batter that is used for the fish at Carron Fish Bar, in Stonehaven, and is very popular.

The fish bar folk have decided they should protect their brand in terms of European law - the way products like Cornish pasties and Royal Jersey potatoes are protected from imitation.

But the manufacturers of Mars bars have now stepped in. They say they're flattered that the customers of Carron Fish Bar so like their chocolate bars that they've become a flagship product, but their being fried in batter conflicts with the company's commitment to healthy living. The name Mars bars may not be used.

So it's back to square one then. No European Union protection against unscrupulous imitators.

Meanwhile, a bar in Edinburgh has started serving up what it calls Braveheart Butter Bombs - a pudding consisting of butter balls deep-fried in ginger beer batter. And at Easter a fish bar in the Borders sells an "Easter Special" - a deep-fried Cadbury's Creme Egg.

It's odd, you never read about any of this in the Scottish tourism and dining out literature.

No jazz

'TWAS not a great weekend for jazz enthusiasts or rugby enthusiasts. The fortnightly jazz session at Merseyside, down in Umbilo, was cancelled because of the chockablock programme of rugby. Instead we watched the Test in Australia and the Currie Cup fixture in Kimberley.

What does one say? Lack of imagination all round. A lot of effort in two dimensions against the Aussies and some serious lapses in focus. Then the Sharks taking on the Griquas at their own game in the devilthorn dustbowl instead of using a chip-kick and a grubber or two to turn them round. Mama mia!

No jazz, lots of Elvis – Heartbreak Hotel.

Remember James?

THERE'S a lot of agonising as to whether the Manase Report into skullduggery in and around the council can or should be made public at this stage.

Does anyone remember the James Commission that similarly investigated the Durban Council in the sixties, also at the behest of the provincial authorities?

The report was published, warts and all. The incumbent mayor went to jail. So did the Chief Constable of the City Police. A former mayor, who was on holiday overseas at the time, never did return from his jaunt.

They seemed a lot more brisk about things in those days.

Star turn

MOTORISTS stuck in traffic on the busy streets surrounding the Democratic Party convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, were entertained by a dancing traffic cop with moves that belonged on a nightclub dance floor, according to reports.

It was even better inside. First Lady Michelle Obama was at her dishiest best as she delivered an address that was like Ertha Kitt and Ella Fitzgerald rolled into one. It had everything – style, emotion, pizzaz. It had them on their feet yelling for more.

 

Is it she who's running for president or Barack?

Michelle Obama is quite something. I don't think America's seen anything like her since Jacqueline Kennedy.

Set her free!

EIGHT handlers were needed to carry out the first-ever heart ultrasound test on a python. It happened at Chester Zoo, in England, where Bali – at 6.6m and 90kg the largest snake in Europe – had her heart patterns measured.

It's part of a research project by Cardiff University. They're measuring the heart patterns of various animals to compare them with the human.

They don't tell us whether Bali has a mate at Chester Zoo. Does this not have something to do with heart patterns?

If no mate, she should surely be released into the wilds to seek love. Somewhere like Essex where, in recent weeks, they've already spotted a lion and a small venomous snake from India. A giant male python is practically a certainty. Essex is where it's at.

Tailpiece

THIS fellow goes into a swish circular bar. The bartender approaches: "Can I help you?"

"When I drink, everybody drinks! Set 'em up all round!" He waves expansively.

"The bartender goes about. He comes back. "That'll be R455, sir."

The customer slaps R20 on the bar counter. "When I pay, everybody pays!"

Last word

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set off a roach bomb - they defused it. - Jay London

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