The buzzing of the bees …
THERE'S some dispute as to who holds the world record for covering his body with bees. A Chinese beekeeper called She Ping covered almost all his body with 33.1kg of bees, estimated to be 331 000 of them.
It happened at Chongqing, in China's south west, and early reports said this was a new world record.
But now it seems the record might still be held by one Vipin Seth, of India, who covered himself with 61.4kg of bees – roughly 613 500 in number – at the Agriculture Research Centre in New Delhi a few years ago.
Whatever, we trust they both remembered to do up their flies – unlike a beekeeper I once knew at Richmond who used to fastidiously wear boots, gloves, veil and heavy overalls when he robbed a hive, but once forgot to zip up.
His wife later described it as a bullseye for the bee.
Quartermaster's store
There were rats, rats
The size of bloomin' cats
In the store … in the store …
IT WASN'T the quartermaster's store of the old army song but Brian Watson was startled to come across what he describes as a "giant rat" while out mowing grass with a tractor at Consett, County Durham, in England.
He jumped off and managed to whack it to death with a piece of wood. Then when he tried to lift it with the paddle of a boat, the paddle broke.
"I've never seen a rat as big in my life before," he says. According to local fundis, the rat must have been a coypu – also known as a river rat.
What about the cats in that part of the world?
There were cats, cats
With bowler hats and spats
In the store … in the store …
Polygamy
READER Gray Braatvedt adds his contribution to the currently topical issue of polygamy.
Why a man should want to marry a woman is a mystery.
Why he should want to marry two is a bigamistery.
Nigel Wood
I LEARNED with sadness of the death a week or so ago of Nigel Wood, former MP for Berea, at the age of 69. He died suddenly in Howick, where he had retired with his wife, Glenys.
Nigel was an exemplar of the ethos of public service. He served in parliament for many years, replacing his father, Lawrence, who had held the seat a really long time.
When he left parliament he was appointed to the Natal Schools Project of the Urban Foundation and he supervised the building of schools for deprived communities, especially in the deep rural districts, which he did with a bustling cheerfulness. For this he was made a Paul Harris Fellow – Rotary's highest award.
Not too many people have contributed the same kind of enthusiastic effort to social upliftment.
Daffiness
SOME daffy dictionary definitions:
· Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
· Control: A short, ugly inmate.
· Eclipse: What a barber does
· Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
· Paradox: Two physicians.
· Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
· Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
· Polarise: What penguins see with.
· Relief: What trees do in the spring.
· Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Tailpiece
A SCHOOL inspector asks the class who broke down the walls of Jericho? They look blank – so does the teacher. Then one boy pipes up: "Sir, it wasn't me."
The inspector looks at the teacher. She says: "Well, I've known him since the beginning of the year. I believe that if he says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."
Shocked, the inspector storms to the principal's office and tells him of this appalling ignorance.
The principal: "Look I don't know the boy, but I know his teacher and I believe her. If she feels the boy was not involved, he must be innocent."
The inspector can't believe what he's hearing. He phones the Department of Education and relates the entire episode to a senior official.
The official sighs heavily:"You know I'm very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother."
Last word
I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
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