A richness of names
ARE YOU IRKED by Durban's new street names? Do you drive around in a daze, perplexed that a major city has deliberately inflicted such confusion on those who live and work in it? Consider this telephone dialogue between a caller in Limpopo province and a Cape Town secretary.
"I'm afraid Mr Frobisher is out at the moment."
When he's back, please ask him to phone me in Polokwane."
"Where? Polokwane? Where's that?"
"Between Mokopane and Makhado, in Limpopo."
"Where's that?"
"Well, you drive from Tshwane past Bela-Bela and Modimolle. Polokwane is just after Mokopane but if you reach Makhado you've gone too far.".
"Just hold it right there, sir. Where is Makhado?"
"Between Polokwane and Musina."
"Excuse me, but where is Musina?"
"Musina is between Makhado and Harare .."
"Ah, you're in Harare?"
"No, I'm trying to explain where Polokwane is."
"In Zimbabwe?".
"No, in Limpopo."
"Please can we start again? Where is Tshwane?"
"That's easy. Between Bela-Bela and Egoli."
"No sir, I mean the town."
"So do I. Egoli is on the other side of Tshwane when coming from the direction of Bela-Bela."
"Excuse me, sir, you're not making much sense. Are you talking about South Africa?"
"Yes, but it's a bit complicated. They changed the name."
"Which name? "
"The town's name."
"Which town's name?"
"Pietersburg."
"You're in Pietersburg! Why didn't you tell me from the start?"
"I told you it's complicated. Egoli is Johannesburg. Tshwane is Pretoria. If you travel north you pass Bela-Bela, formerly Warmbaths; after that Modimolle that was Nylstroom; and Potgietersrust that is Mokopane now. After Mokopane you get Polokwane that was Pietersburg, then Louis Trichardt that became Makhado. After you have passed Makhado you get Musina that was originally Messina .."
"And Musina is by the Limpopo?".
"Yes. But the Limpopo I was speaking of is the province."
"What do you call the river then?"
"Limpopo."
"Eek! My GPS has just exploded."
Duly noted
THE ST PETERSBURG Forum takes note: St Petersburg … Leningrad … St Petersburg again.
Football returns
HERE'S a good news story that's so inconsequential against the vast tragedy of Japan's tsunami disaster last year that it's sad.
A football that was swept away by the tsunami has been found on a remote Alaskan island thousands of kilometres away.
Sixteen-year-old Misaki Murakami's name was written on the ball that was swept out to sea. David Baxter found it more than a year later on Alaska's Middleton Island, 112km from the mainland. His Japanese wife was able to read an inscription on the ball, which consisted of Misaki's name and a good luck message from his classmates.
Misaki survived the tsunami by running for high ground, and has been traced. The football is being returned to him. But I bet it's been the least of his worries.
Baxter has also found a volleyball but with nothing to identify it - like so many of the tsunami victims.
Entrepreneurship?
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener appears to have mixed feelings about the new government agency to promote entrepreneurship. Writing in his latest grumpy newsletter, he says it seems the perfect example of an oxymoron.
"Surely by definition anybody who can create wealth would never work in government and so the state could hardly be in a position to offer advice on such a matter.
"But a moment's thought reveals the wisdom of the idea. For generations the best way to secure government contracts has been to know the right people in the right departments. This new agency, which will be born out of the consolidation of three existing but obviously ineffective agencies, should merely publish the names and family trees of influential government officials. Entrepreneurs will then pop out of the woodwork as it were.
"Unfortunately, closer reading reveals that the new scheme will start life already crushed by its name – SA Finance Enterprise Agency (SAFEA). All too predictably, it is about allocating money - probably at the wrong price – to small businesses operating in 'the 17 infrastructure projects identified by the Presidential Infrastructure Co-ordination Commission'. Well woo hoo. That doesn't sound very entrepreneurial. A government committee? Infrastructure projects? Oh dear me no."
Tailpiece
I GOT A job in a helium factory. The boss said: "Stop talking to me in that funny voice!"
Last word
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible.
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