The Idler, Monday, April 23

Generations of breeding

 

RECENTLY we discussed the generations of breeding and training that go into developing the instincts and obedience of a gun dog; this illustrated by the account of a pointer named Chalky who ran down a line of lunch tables in Collegians Club, Maritzburg, widdling on the lunchers; then, in the ensuing uproar, snatched a few T-bone steaks off their plates.

 

This account has finally reached Chalky's owner, who now lives in Oxfordshire, England. He recalls the incident very well and says it was not the only time Chalky's generations of breeding and training showed through.

 

Once he was fishing off the beach down the South Coast. Another fisherman further along was on his haunches rebaiting his hook, wearing an old sportscoat.

 

Generations of breeding and training showed through. Next thing Chalky had raised his leg and given this fellow a sousing. But this time my friend was able to whistle with insouciance and disclaim ownership.

 

Moral: Beware of pointers. It's bred into them, they act on impulse.

 

 

Guard dog

 

STILL with dogs, this advertisement appeared in an American newspaper: "Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighbourhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese/German street name, Ho Lee Schitt."

Curious, that Chinese/German combination. 

 

Harbour plan

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener wonders in his latest grumpy newsletter what they are going to do with all the sand when they dig the new port south of Durban.

"The chaps who run the nation's ports are going to dig a brand new one down on the site where the old Durban airport used to be. It is very exciting and it should create a lot of employment and will need plenty of spades. When finished, the new harbour will be capable of berthing two dozen ships.

"What is not mentioned, however, is what they plan to do with all the sand that will come out of the hole. There is only a limited market for souvenir packets of the stuff for nostalgia freaks wanting to remember the old runways. The rest is going to require some inventive salesmanship. Maybe someone in Joburg would like to build a beach resort?"

 

 

 

Whole hog

SPEAKING of which, why don't they go the whole hog and connect the new dug-out port to the main harbour? There have been plans for that ever since the 1930s. It would give Durban harbour two entrances.

Yes, I know it would mean expropriating present residential areas but why not do that? I bet it would cost less than Moses Mabhida stadium.

The benefits would be enormous. Imagine what the second entrance would do for the marine interchange and for fishing in the bay. Also, the okeys on the Bluff have always wanted to live on an island. They could just pull up the drawbridge when the rates bill arrives.

 

Press hash

A READER is grateful for last week's explanation that the hash key on a modern telephone is to order marijuana.

"So it took the Idler to tell me what the hash key is really for. I'll await the real definition of Twitter's hashtags!"

I will be happy to oblige but it could take some time. I have to first discover what Twitter is.

I'm nervous about entering this territory because, a few years ago, when a lady of my acquaintance e-mailed to say she was on Twitter, I thought she meant she was snorting some sort of happy dust.

I responded with a lofty lecture condemning such practices and received in return a blisterer. I felt an awful fool and am still grovelling.

So I proceed with caution.

 

Tailpiece

THE SITUATION is desperate. You're adrift in a boat. You've run out of food. All that's left at the bottom of the food bin is two weevils – one big, fat and juicy, the other small and rather emaciated. You do have a line and a fish-hook. But you're starving. You have to eat. You will have to choose which weevil you will use as bait and which you will eat right away. Which will you eat?

Answer: The lesser of two weevils.

 

Last word

It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe. – Robert W Service.