The Idler, WSednesday, December 21, 2011

Kipling's Great Game

 

THE RUSSIANS have been upstaging the leaders of the West for some time now. Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is constantly filmed or photographed doing macho things like riding horseback bare-chested, darting whales, scuba diving and riding a Harley-Davidson. Obama, Cameron and Sarkozy begin to look pale sissies by comparison.

 

The other day Putin addressed the lower house of the Russian parliament for three and a half hours, followed up by a question and answer session of an hour and a half. That's also pretty macho. What counter does the West have to this display of stamina and gift of the gab?

 

But stick around. I'm reliably informed by diplomatic sources that – as so often in times of crisis – the West plans to fall back on royalty. The Queen's speech to the Commonwealth on Christmas Day is to last six hours. It will contain passages in most of the languages of the Commonwealth – Tamil, Urdu, Maori, French and the other 10 official languages of South Africa. Commonwealth citizens will be urged to watch and listen, glass in hand, and cheer at the appropriate moments.

 

Match that, you fellows with snow on your boots! Kipling used to call it the Great Game.

 

Russia changes

 

MEANWHILE, during the hour-and-a-half Q&A, Vladimir Volfovich Zhirinovsky, leader of the Liberal Democratic Party and known as a bit of a wag, rose to tell Mr Putin: "You should have taken a break. You don't think about people. It's lunchtime. No one has had lunch. You'll spoil everyone's digestion system."

 

Russia has changed for the better. In Stalin's time he would have been dragged outside and shot.

 

 

Blarney Brothers

 

WIT' A SHILLELAGH at me arm and a twinkle in me oi, Oi'll be off to Tipperary in de marnin'…

 

The Blarney Brothers have been part of the Durban music scene as long as I can remember. Tonight they start with the first of three gigs at Riverside, which begin at 7 pm and end at 10, which is rather early.

 

There was some dispute at a local hostelry the other evening as to the reason. Some say it's to comply with noise abatement regulations in the vicinity. Others say it's to allow Blarney Brothers fans to get into their old age homes again before curfew. Still others say it's to allow the Blarney Brothers themselves to get into their old age homes before curfew.

 

I really don't know. The curfew tolls the knell of parting day. But I'll be there.

 

It's not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me,

But my darling when I think of thee …

 

Hey, this is music!

 

 

 

Rudophino?

 

READERS Ron and Valerie Johnson bring us a Christmas thought, courtesy of the Alaskan Department of Fish and Game.

 

While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer,  males  drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.   Females retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring..

 

Therefore in every rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, has to be a girl.

                           

"We should have known. Only  women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all round the world in one night and not get lost."

 

 

Reindeer sprint

MEANWHILE, at Kempton Park racecourse, in England, Santa's eight antlered reindeer put in a sprint over the final furlong, wearing colours and numbers in freezing conditions.

In spite of being female, they milled about in confusion for a bit then eventually got going in the right direction. After a close-run sprint, five-year-old Dasher eventually galloped to victory, followed by Donner and Vixen. Girls all!

Whippet chase

AIRPORTS often have to close because of geese and other large birds being in the vicinity. They seldom close because of whippets.

Yet Manchester airport, in England, had to be closed for 40 minutes while police and airport staff chased a whippet which had strayed onto the runway and refused to be caught.

As a whippet can run at 35 miles an hour, when it decides not to be caught it stays uncaught. Twelve take-offs were delayed and one passenger jet had to land at another airport 100 miles away before the rascal was captured.

Tailpiece

 

WHY ARE SO many bad chemistry jokes going about the laboratories at UKZN? All the good ones Argon.

 

Last word

 

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Aristotle