The Idler, Monday, December 12, 2011

A time for faith

A NEW YORK teacher has had to apologise after telling her class there's no such person as Santa Claus.

Ann Eng was in the middle of a lesson on the North Pole when one of the pupils remarked that it's where Santa Claus lives. Miss Eng responded that there's no such person as Santa and it's their mums and dads who leave the presents under the tree.

This shocked and dismayed the pupils and outraged parents. Miss Eng had to write to every  family and apologise.

Quite right too. We can't have subversives going around rubbishing established fact like Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny. Where does it end?

In this country you even find people who poke fun at Jacob Zuma's promise to create five million new jobs next year. I suppose they don't believe in Father Christmas either.

Let's have an end to this curmudgeonry. It's a time for child-like faith.

Postman's knock

A BOUQUET for the postal services. Molly Munro, of Hillcrest, has received a postcard from Abu Dhabi, in the United Arab Emirates, addressed simply to: "Molly Munro, Hillcrest, Durban."

Yes, it reminds me of a letter that arrived many years ago at the Ntingwe post office/store in Zululand.

It was addressed to: "James Dlamini, Elderly Zulu, Speaks English, PO Ntingwe."

It got to Dlamini, no problem.

 

Zzzzzz!

THOSE of us who like to lie in and leave it to the companion wench to eventually provide refreshment and revival by way of mid-morning tea are often accused of slothfulness and a lack of get-up-and-go.

However, scientists have now discovered that it's in our genes. Those of us with the gene ABCC9 need about 30 minutes' more sleep every night than those without the gene.

This follows a study of more than 10 000 people across Europe. One in five Europeans carries the gene.

People's sleep needs can differ significantly, the scientists say. Margaret Thatcher managed on four hours' sleep a night while Albert Einstein needed 11.

I think Einstein was a much more relaxed character. I'd tell you more but it's way past my bed-time.

SOME aphorisms to help guide us through life: ·         The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. ·         Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. ·         If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all. ·         A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. ·         Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. ·         Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? ·         Scratch a cat and you have a permanent job. ·          There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. ·         Be careful about reading the fine print, you're not going to like it. ·         The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. ·         Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.     Tailpiece   ACOUPLE make a deal that whoever dies first will come back and tell the other if there's life after death.  The husband is the first to die.  He makes contact.  " Marion! Marion!"    "Is that you, Bob?"  "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."   "That's wonderful! What's it like?"  "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.  Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). "Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.  Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"  "Oh, Bob, are you in Heaven?" "Not exactly. I'm a rabbit in Bloemfontein." Last word I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Rita Rudner