Too silly, too silly ...
THE NATIONAL Health Service in Britain has released some videos to discourage people from silly behaviour and drinking too much at Christmas and New Year parties. They feature cases attended to in the past by hospitals' accident and emergency units.
One video has a fellow with an obscenity scrawled on his forehead in permanent ink. Another a woman who comes in tipsily demanding that surgeons carve a frozen turkey for her.
Yet another has a woman being wheeled past on all fours. She'd sat on the photocopier at the office party, causing the glass to break and embed itself in her bottom.
That could be an interesting one. They don't tell us if the photocopier got in a shot before breaking.
What about Cosatu?
VROOM, vroom! There's talk that Jeremy Clarkson's Top Gear TV programme might be filmed over the next couple of years at Moses Mabhida Stadium.
Is this really such a good idea? Would motorsport fans really cram the stadium to watch the filming of what has to be the most puerile programme offered by British TV (where standards have so plummeted over the past 20 years or so anyway)?
Quite apart from that, Clarkson has been dropped from another BBC programme following his remark that strikers in Britain should be executed "in front of their families".
This outraged some. For others it was just another characteristically unfunny Clarkson clunker. But can we take the chance of causing outrage to Cosatu?
Shocked lemur
VETS are puzzled by the discovery of a baby lemur which was found shocked and frozen at Tooting Common, in London. They have put it on a drip, coaxed it to eat and are slowly nursing it back to health.
The ring-tailed lemur – which is similar in appearance to our bushbaby but not related – is found in the wild only in Madagascar. How this one ended up on Tooting Common is a mystery.
Perhaps its parents went on strike and were executed by Jeremy Clarkson.
Keep it clean
A TAIWANESE city is using the Lotto to keep dog excrement off the streets. In New Taipei City, people are given a lottery ticket for every bag of doggy dooz handed in.
One woman has won top prize in the draw – a gold ingot worth $2 200. Others have won smaller prizes – small gold ingots worth only hundreds of dollars and household appliances.
It seems even non-owners of dogs are getting in on the thing, clearing up mess just to get into the draw.
British columnist Auberon Waugh used to campaign against dog excrement, arguing that the owners of dogs who fouled the pavement should be forced to eat it. But this was unduly punitive and it never took off. The Taiwanese appear to have discovered the key – incentive, within the free market system.
Land ho!
THE RUNNING aground of the harbour pilot vessel Lufafa is taken up in his latest grumpy newsletter by investment analyst Dr James Greener.
"It is puzzling, if not very embarrassing for someone, that one of the Durban harbour pilot boats managed to miss the enlarged harbour entrance by a country mile and fetch up on the beach after bouncing off some rocks.
"These are the guys that the big ships are obliged to pay to have on board when entering or leaving port. Fortunately, no people except taxpayers were injured as the damage repair estimated at R1 million was described by the port captain as 'minimal'. So not only is the five-cent coin being withdrawn, the amount of R1m is apparently barely worth mentioning. Inflation is undoubtedly on the rise."
Fairytales
WHAT'S the difference between a fairytale in a northern state of the USA and a southern fairytale?
The northern fairytale begins: "Once upon a time..." The southern fairytale begins: "Y'all ain't gonna believe this bulldang ... "
Tailpiece
EVER since I was a child, I've had a fear of somebody being under my bed at night. I went to a psychiatrist and told him about it. He charged me R800 and told me to keep coming back.
But a bartender cured me for R10. He poured me a drink and told me to cut the legs off the bed, Ain't nobody under there now!
Moral: Stay away from shrinks, have a drink and talk to a bartender.
Last word
No man remains quite what he was when he recognises himself.
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