AT FIRST this seemed like a rehash of the old story about a human
skeleton being found in a forest somewhere in the South American
jungle, wearing flippers and full scuba gear.
According to that account, the unfortunate scuba diver had been
scooped up out of the sea by a helicopter collecting water to dump on
a forest fire – and dumped it was.
However in this case it was an Aussie who used scuba gear to take
refuge in a swimming pool as he stayed put to fight a bushfire and
save his house, while 34 others around him were destroyed.
It was in the Margaret River region of Western Australia. Strong winds
and high temperatures had fuelled the fire for three days, forcing
hundreds of residents and tourists to evacuate.
But home-owner Peter Fabrici decided to stay behind. After getting his
wife to safety, he returned and got into his scuba gear to help him
breathe in the smoke. He frantically
put sprinklers on the roof but then had to retreat to his neighbours'
pool as the fire whooshed towards him
From underwater, he watched the fire pass over him. "That's where I
stayed, on the bottom. I just looked up and saw the red and the black
going over the top."
Then when it had passed he put his head above water and saw his own
house still standing, no flames coming from it at all.
No, a helicopter didn't then scoop him from the pool to douse the
bushfire elsewhere.
Para... whats?
LYLIE Musgrave, of Durban, sends in a list of what she calls
"paraprosdokians". She admits she had to look it up, and it means "a
figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
We'll take Lylie's word for it. Here goes:
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening"' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
Paraprosdokians. Can't we just call them whizzbangs?
Tailpiece
It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give an average
bloke the physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brain of Steven Hawking
and the humour of Jo Brand. Of course, it could be horrendous. One
little slip and you might end up with a bloke who had Jo Brand's body,
Sylvester Stallone's brain and the charm of Steven Hawking. On the
other hand, thinking about it, who could tell?
Last word
Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.
Cary Grant
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