The final sprint
IT'S a close race for comedy turn of the year. Donald Trump is putting in a strong sprint with his jibes at China before he has even been sworn in as president, his rants against his own security agency, the CIA, and the likelihood that he is to appoint as secretary of state an oil magnate who has huge dealings in Russia and is big pals indeed with Vladimir Putin, who is currently bombing the hell out of civilians in Aleppo.
But in spite of his efforts, The Donald is falling back in the race. These things are no longer a joke.
A nose ahead are Theresa May and her backbench critic Nicky Morgan with her criticism of Theresa's £995 (R17 000) leather pants. The pants, it seems, are an unacceptable flaunting of wealth. Then comes the revelation that Nicky herself carries a £950 leather handbag.
(Any covering of Theresa's legs is surely an advance. They look gawky on high heels and the cameras zoom in on them unmercifully. If a woman is boss, she must wear the trousers. But maybe Theresa should switch to corduroys).
Close behind is Boris the Menace, Theresa's foreign minister – orange-thatched, just like The Donald - who publicly slates allies like the Saudis as warmongering puppeteers, then drops in next day to say "Hi!" Boris is a horse with plenty of running still in him.
Let's not forget our local contenders. There's JZ with his ambition to become Mayor of Nkandla. There are Hlaudi and the short-sighted prof showing the middle finger to Parliament. There's Commandante Julius and just about everything he says and does. There's Springbok rugby. There's the Ethekwini tendering system.
But another horse is streaking up in the outside lane. There's a lot of TV chatter. British rail services are being criticised for prefacing platform announcements with "Ladies and gentlemen" – not because it's archaic but because it is seen to be offensive to the LGBT community for implying that people are either male or female.
The students' union at Oxford has put out a pamphlet calling on people to use "ze" instead of the pronouns "he" and "she", for exactly the same reason. They're pressing for this to be made official university policy. This is hilarious, a comic horse that is simply bolting, nothing can stop it. "Ze" has already been accepted at the University of Tennessee in the US.
Zee-ha!
SA and Cuba
A READER calling himself Gordon, of Malvern, says he realises now why South Africa and Cuba have such a close relationship.
"They both have such a lot of old things which they are so proud of. With Cuba it's their old cars, most of which are in pristine condition. In South Africa we have TV channels with this collection of old movies which viewers are subjected to with no alternative in sight.
"In desperation some people, myself included, have bought an open view HD decoder, which has now got two movie channels, e-movies-plus and e-movies-extra.
"If you think the other TV channels are showing a lot of repeats, you ain't seen nothing yet – repeat after repeat is on the menu.
"All that is left is to either buy DVD or switch off and go to bed."
Boeremusiek
MEANWHILE, I was a little surprised the other evening to encounter a fellow who was singing the praises of Hlaudi Motsoeneng's decree that SABC programmes should contain 90% locally produced music.
It turns out he likes boeremusiek. SAFM (once the English service) today is awash with boeremusiek to make up the quota, he tells me.
Sakkie-sakkie. Hey, balke toe!
Tailpiece
AN OLD Italian man is dying in Brooklyn. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you take-a my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then?
"Pointa to you watch and say: 'Time's up?'"
Last word
Big girls need big diamonds. - Elizabeth Taylor
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