Game show time
HOLLYWOOD Squares is a popular American TV game show, part of which involves the celebrity participants responding to quiz questions. Some examples of the Q & A.
Q. "If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?"
A. Charley Weaver: "Three days of steady drinking should do it."
Q. "You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?"
A. Don Knotts: "That's what's been keeping me awake."
Q. "According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?"
A.. Rose Marie: "No, wait until morning."
Q. "Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?"
A. Charley Weaver: "My sense of decency."
Q. "What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: "I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment."
Q. "As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?"
A. Rose Marie: "You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget."
Q. "Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily."
Q. "Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?"
A. Charley Weaver: "Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries."
Q. "In bowling, what's a perfect score?"
A. Rose Marie: "Ralph, the pin boy."
Q. "During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?"
A. Rose Marie: "Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom."
Q. "Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?"
A. Marty Allen: "Only after lights out."
Q. "When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Bark?"
Q. "If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."
Q. "According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?"
A. Charley Weaver: "It got me out of the army."
Q. "Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?"
A. George Gobel: "Get it in his mouth."
Q. "Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?"
A. Charley Weaver: "His feet."
Q. "According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?"
A. Paul Lynde: "Point and laugh."
Lovely stuff – and apparently unscripted.
Chilling
FOR those who are nervous at the prospect of the US being run by Donald Trump, here are some truly chilling words (in the context of ignoring CIA briefings): "You know, I'm a smart person. I don't have to be told the same thing and the same words every single day for the next eight years."
He hasn't taken office yet and he's talking about a second term? Oh boy!
Monkeybiz
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, notes last week's harrowing account of the fellow who had a vervet monkey spring onto his head at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. Something similar happened in Hillcrest, he says.
"Two ladies were having tea. One of them had her passport lying nearby. A vervet snuck in, stole the passport and fled into the bushes. No amount of hysterical endeavour recovered the passport.
"No monkey has attempted to board an international flight."
The Muse then takes over.
The nation's experiencing ruptures,
Not all of which are caused by the Guptas;
The Public Broadcaster,
Is a looming disaster,
By defying constitutional structures.
Tailpiece
AN ELDERLY cattleman from Texas told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
This she did religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 15m hole where the crematorium used to be.
Last word
I'm all in favour of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
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