Key to mystery
THE resignation of Prime Minister John Key has taken them all by surprise down in the Land of the Long White Underpants.
There's been no scandal, no hassle, no argy-bargy. His personal and party poll figures are good. Key simply says he's had enough, he wants to step down from active politics, he can't see himself serving another term. It has the pundits stumped.
You have to look a little deeper. First there was the retirement from rugby of All Black great Richie McCaw. Then, a few weeks ago, the All Blacks' shock defeat in Chicago by Ireland. Then, soon after, Ireland almost pulling it off again at Lansdowne Road.
John Key sees the writing on the wall. With the World Cup coming up in three years, the All Blacks could be upended either by Ireland again or by England.
When the All Blacks lose, in the Land of the Long White Nightshirt it's a national catastrophe. There's disorder in the pubs and in the streets. The government falls.
John Key has got out while the going is good.
Bob's your uncle!
MORE on the RAF alphabet, where "W for short" had me stumped.
Reader Stan Sharratt says he always knew W as: "Double you for a bob".
Of course, now I remember it that way as well.
This means doubling up on a bet. For younger readers, a bob is a shilling which is 10 cents. But you got a lot more for a bob than you get today for 10 cents.
Fat cat
A CALIFORNIAN cat named Fat Boy has won the state's pole-sitting record. A dog chased him up a 15m power pole in Fresno and he stayed there nine days, plaintively meowing. His owners called but he was reluctant to try climbing down.
Eventually the power company de-energised the line and sent two fellows up the pole to fetch the cat.
Nine days – welcome home, Thin Boy!
Jibes cut-off
A READER who calls himself NDC has warned this newspaper that we have only until January 20 next year to publish jibes against Donald Trump. After that the consequences could be incalculable.
January 20 is when The Donald is sworn in as president. From then on, Trump will be commander-in-chief of the US military (in which he has never served) in conclave with his Secretary for Defence, former Marines general James "Mad Dog" Mattiss.
NDC posits a message coming in from the CIA about a jibe against Trump appearing in The Mercury. Both men misunderstand the word "jibe" and believe it emanates from the Planet Mercury.
Next, Trump presses the red button and a rocket is launched to destroy the Planet Mercury. It's not just the world that needs to worry about the next four years, it's the entire solar system.
Yes, these are jumpy times indeed but NDC is surely being a little alarmist.
Jibes galore
MEANWHILE, the New Yorker has no qualms about hostilities in the solar system. It quotes a spokeswoman saying Donald Trump will no longer have day-to-day responsibility for driving his businesses into bankruptcy, he will focus instead on bankrupting the country.
"Appearing on Fox News, Kellyanne Conway said that while Trump no doubt could 'plunge both his businesses and the country into bankruptcy at the same time,' he feels that he 'owes it to the American people to put them first.'
"Acknowledging that Trump has no government experience, Conway said that his years of bankrupting a variety of companies would prove 'invaluable' as he does the same to the United States.
"'It's going to surprise a lot of people when they see how great he is at this,' she said.
"On a related matter, Conway said that Trump would allow professional managers to oversee his fraudulent enterprises, like the now defunct Trump University, so that he can concentrate on defrauding the entire country.
"'There is a big difference between conning a few thousand students at a phony university and swindling a nation of more than three hundred million people,' she said. 'Mr. Trump is well aware that this is going to be a full-time job.'
This is, of course, satirist Andy Borowitz at it again.
Tailpiece
"This morning she gave me soap flakes for breakfast instead of cornflakes."
"I bet you were mad."
"Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!"
Last word
Never have more children than you have car windows. - Erma Bombeck
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