Nipples in nanoseconds
IT'S an alarming world we live in. Images flash about the world in nanoseonds. On Instagram, for instance, a campaign has been launched for people – men and women – to send in photographs of their nipples.
It's part of a campaign against double standards on the part of Instagram, which apparently allows male nipples but not female – as if there were something inherently sexual or obscene about the female body.
An Instagram account named Genderless Nipples invites folk to send in photographs just of their nipples – and nothing else – without identifying the gender of the sender.
Now I'm sure there could be not much confusion as to gender, even from the most cursory glance, but that's not the point – the mind whirls at the thought of this traffic through the ether. It's the kind of thing that can keep you awake at night.
Imagine having a job with Instagram having to sort the legitimate from the not legitimate. You'd go cross-eyed.
The impulse is to repair to the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties to seek solace from this confusion. But – sigh – it's Dress-Down Friday, where the gals are topless. There's no escape.
SHOPPING
NEWS from Manchester, England. An entrepreneur has opened a store that sells husbands. There are six floors the value (and price) of the merchandise increases with each floor.
A woman enters. On the first floor is a sign: "Floor 1 – These men have jobs."
She goes on to the next level: "Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids."
"That's nice," she thinks, but she goes up another level.
"Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are very good-looking."
"Wow!" she thinks. But she decides to keep going.
"Floor 4 – "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good-looking and help with housework."
"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims. "What more could a girl want.?"
All the same, she carries on to another level,
"Floor 5 – "These men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead good-looking and have a strong romantic streak."
"Is there anything more we could want? Still it seems there's something better."
"Floor 6 – "You are visitor 31 456 012 to this level. There are no men here and you are proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."
To avoid any accusation of gender bias, the entrepreneur has opened a Wife Store just across the road. It too has six floors.
Floor 1: "Wives that love sex."
Floor 2: "Wives that love sex, have money and like beer."
It's not known what is on Floors 3,4, 5 and 6. They have never been visited.
Billy meets Billy
A PENSIONER named Billy had to be rescued from a billygoat in County Antrim, Northern Ireland, when it went on the rampage down the main street of the town of Carrickfergus.
Shop owner Jonathan Smyth told Sky News the goat ran amok, jumping on cars, eating flower baskets and frightening staff and customers. It also repeatedly butted the shop's front door. Then it tried to butt Billy when he arrived to fetch his newspaper.
"We had to quickly open the doors and drag Billy inside. Thankfully the only real damage was to the plants which we keep outside. It ate them all but I thought: 'I'm not going out there to tell it off.'"
Eventually somebody – presumed to be the goat's owner - grabbed it by the horns and took it away.
These wild Irish goats. A few pints of Guinness and they misbehave.
Tailpiece
A WOMAN researcher is quizzing a man.
"Do you drink beer?"
"Yes."
"How many a day?"
"About three."
"How much do you pay per beer?"
"About R20."
"And how long have you been drinking?"
"About 20 years."
"So a beer costs R20 and you have three a day which puts your spending each month at R1 800. In one year, it would be R21 600?"
"Correct."
"At that rate, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years put your spending at R432 000, correct?"
"Correct."
"If you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account. With compound interest over 20 years, you could have bought an aeroplane?"
" Do you drink beer?"
"No."
"Where's your aeroplane?"
Last word
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips
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