Asbestos time, Christmas carols time
DING-Dong merrily on high … it seems that in these digitally-driven days you can get a tie that – unprompted – belts out Christmas carols.
Inadvertently or otherwise, Irish MP Aengus Ó' Snodaigh was wearing one while giving a speech to fellow MPs on the serious topic of asbestos exposure.
But his tie kept interrupting him with bursts of We Wish You A Merry Christmas and Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.
It detracted from the weighty issues of asbestos exposure. Eventually O'Snodaigh took off his tie in frustration and gave it to fellow-MP Jim Daly.
Meanwhile, across the Irish Sea at Westminster, Labour Party MPs donned Santa Claus hats and antlers to record a song based on the 1980s hit, Don't They Know It's Christmas? This attacked the Tories' national living wage and "Scrooge" employers.
It is no doubt rich in satire and melody, but alas seems no more likely to make it to the charts than Aengus O'Snodaigh's tie.
Local carol
MEANWHILE, a carol with a local flavour:
On the twelfth day of Christmas the Commissioner sent to me
Twelve cops a bumbling
Eleven judges grumbling
Ten pervs a peeping
Nine dealers dealing
Eight suspects ducking
Seven lawyers scoring
Six crooks a-taking
Five golden things
Four public works
Three enterprises
Two stolen guns
And a cartridge at a crime scene.
Whodunnit?
NEWS from America. A fellow wrote a piece for a newspaper circulating in his retirement village.
"My name is Bob. It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
"Let me relate to you how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job for the extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
"Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time as she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
"But she's definitely ageing. It takes her hours to get round to washing the dishes. I have to keep reminding her.
"Then she gets tuckered out mowing the lawn. Do I complain? No sir. I tell her: 'You just take a rest. Squeeze yourself some fresh lemonade and relax. And while you're about it you can squeeze one for me.'
"I know I probably look like a saint the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile."
· "Editor's note: Bob died suddenly on November 27. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver-II golf club rammed up his butt, with only two inches of grip showing. His wife, Debbie, was arrested and charged with his murder. However, the all-woman jury found her not guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it."
Progressions
FOUR stages of life: You believe in Santa Claus; you don't believe in Santa Claus; you are Santa Claus; you look like Santa Claus.
Tailpiece
A STUNNINGLY attractive woman goes to the casino craps table and places 20 000 bucks on a single throw.
"I hope you don't mind," she says. "I feel luckier when bottomless." At which she strips from the waist down, cups the dice and rolls them, yelling: "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
The dice fall and she yells: "Yes! I win! I win!"
She sweeps up her winnings and is gone.
First croupier" "What'd she roll?"
Second croupier: "Dunno, I thought you were watching the dice."
Last word
Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.
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