Keep her happy
DETAILS come this way of a demerit system, scientifically
devised in order to achieve marital bliss. A single overriding rule
applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. You
have to end up with a surplus at the end of each week, otherwise
you're in big trouble.
Here is a simple, non-exhaustive guide to the points system.
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-3);
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
• Simple duties: You make the bed. (+1);
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-10)
But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)
• Protective duties: You check out a suspicious noise at night.
(+1); You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0);
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5);
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10); It's her pet Schnauzer.
(-20).
• Social engagements:You stay by her side for the entire party.
(+1); You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
an old school friend. (-2); named Tina (-10); Tina is a dancer.
(-10);Tina has breast implants. (-40)
• Her birthday: You take her out to dinner. (+2); You take her
out to dinner and it's not a sports bar. (+3); Okay, it's a sports
bar. (-2); And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3); It's a sports bar,
it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours
of your favourite team. (-10)
• A night out: You take her to a movie. (+1); You take her to a
movie she likes. (+5); You take her to a movie you hate. (+6);
You take her to a movie you like. (-2); It's called "Death Cop".
(-3); You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-
15)
• Your physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15); You
develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.
(+10); You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30); You say: "It doesn't
matter, you have one too." (-80)
• The big question: She asks: "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what); You hesitate in
responding. (-10); You reply: "Where?" (-35); You give any
other response. (-20)
• Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem,
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned
expression. (+2); You listen for over 30 minutes (+50);
TV. (+500); She realises this is because you have fallen
asleep. (- 4 000)
This is a most useful formulation and should contribute greatly
MORE on round-the-corner place kicking in rugby. It seems soccer
was indeed a big influence.
Professor Gavin Maasdorp, who used to be a honcho in varsity
rugby, say he's always understood the style to have originated
with soccer players in Britain and France who switched to rugby –
"I seem to recall one of the Springbok touring teams to the UK
(possibly 1950-51) encountering such a kicker in a provincial game
in the Midlands or North of England .
"Its use was common in France, though, and the first French side
to tour South Africa – in 1958 – had Pierre Lacaze who employed
Meanwhile, Gerald Burne, who played goalkeeper for Queen's
Park Under 14, tells us the reason for the style is that the
manufacturers stopped making boots with hard toes.
He says he took soccer goal kicks with his toe until his boots wore
out, then started kicking with his instep.
I'm not sure if Gerald's having us on.
A TOURIST on a tropical island is being driven mad by the
drums that are sounding from the jungle. They were drumming
when he got off the plane. They've been drumming all day. That
night he can't get to sleep.
He goes downstairs and confronts the hotel's night manager:
"What's with these drums? They never stop. It's driving me
mad! Can't you stop them?"
"Drums good. Very bad if drums stop."
The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only a
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